When will DJ Steve Aoki regale the world with his tantalizing tale of near-death on a boat?

Yesterday morning “celebrity DJ” Steve Aoki tweeted that he had just narrowly escaped death, on a boat no less, probably in some exotic locale, because that’s the type of place a “celebrity DJ” like Steve Aoki hangs out on a Tuesday. In his tweet, Aoki said succinctly, “I almost died on a boat today. True story. Blog and video up on http://steveaoki.com soon.” Well, myself and countless others have been refreshing his site for the past 24 hours or so and there have been no updates. What the fuck Steve?

Unlike Eli Roth, who has not been shy about detailing his recent near-death experience on the open waters, Aoki has mysteriously clammed up. So what happened? I have three theories:

1) Steve Aoki’s DJ-digits are sore from finger-banging Lindsay Lohan, thus preventing him from typing his sure-to-be-enthralling tale. Now, I have no idea whether or not Lindsay Lohan was on the same boat with Steve Aoki, but I do know that LiLo was recently on a boat with Gaddafi’s ass-goblin son along with Beyonce and Russell Simmons, so it stands to reason that Steve Aoki was on the same boat, and it also stands to reason that Lindsay Lohan would let a greasy, twatty DJ like Steve Aoki give her a furious, bone-fracturing finger-banging.

2) Steve Aoki has no idea where he is right now. Look, I don’t know Steve Aoki, but he sure as shit looks like a guy who enjoys a little chemically-enhanced escape from reality every now and again. Thus, he could be so blitzed out of his mind that he has no recollection of nearly dying on a boat or tweeting about nearly dying on a boat. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

3) Steve Aoki is too busy saving Gary Coleman’s life to blog. In case you haven’t heard, Gary Coleman was rushed to the hospital today. Perhaps Steve Aoki is by his side using his magical “celebrity DJ” death-fighting powers to save the life of the man responsible for introducing the phrase, “Whatchu talkin’ ’bout Willis?” into the American pop culture vernacular. Let’s all hope that’s the case.

Who knows?