Quote of the week
College grads don't deserve to be feted by celebrities, or honored, or lifted up with inspiring words. They deserve to be BROUGHT THE FUCK DOWN BY THE CRUSHING WEIGHT OF REAL LIFE'S BITTER DISAPPOINTMENTS. They deserve a stern lecture from someone like me, who is NOT famous, NOT inspiring, and NOT attractive to look at.
I bet you grads had one hell of a spring, didn't you? Oh, I bet you spent your whole spring taking a miniscule courseload, lounging on blankets outside on the quad, fucking each other, drinking your gay little Twisted Teas... I bet you even smoked pot on Wednesday morning, just for the hell of it. I bet you just had the time of your fucking lives the past four years, didn't you?
YOU MAKE ME SICK.
Guess what, fuckos? Party's over. You're out of college now, and your parents are now too poor to nurse you through grad school. No more fantasy life for you. No more ice luges. No more intellectual discourse. No more ripe teenage pussy. That's all over now. YOU ARE FUCKED. Your days will now consist of searching for a job in a marketplace where no available job of any sort fucking exists. Your commencement speaker will probably tell you your class "faces enormous challenges," or some bullshit euphemism like that. This is a lie. A challenge is something you can overcome. You, on the other hand, are completely, unavoidably fucked. You're not going to cure cancer. You're not going to stop wars. You're not going to save the planet. If you're lucky, you may stumble upon a $2 coupon for Honey Nut Cheerios one day. That will be about it.
Otherwise, you are entering a world that is running out of money, a world that will slowly choke itself to death unless it somehow stumbles upon a miraculously clean, cheap energy source that has yet to be invented and almost certainly never will be. Ten years from now, your degree will be 1/100th as useful as a fucking life vest. So wipe that nauseating smile off your faces and heed now this glimpse into your very near future…
-My buddy Drew Magary writes a commencement address to the nation's graduates each year over at Deadspin, and he nailed it once again. Seriously, go read it...it'll make your fucking day.
17 comments:
This is brilliant. And abso-fucking-lutely spot on.
For some reason I hear it being read in Denis Leary's voice.
Welcome Back! You were missed!
NoCalGal
didn't make my day. you've disappointed me, sir.
Read it. Love it. He speaks the truth. Much better than my school's keynote speaker who was some guy from the Dept. of Health and Human Services--he fell asleep on stage and then pretty much told us we were all going to die of AIDS.
Love it. I know someone livin' it up in grad school whose bubble I'd love to burst with this.
My daughter worked her ass off this past spring taking 18 units of hard classes. She managed to get a 3.4 grade point average for the semester and is slated to graduate a full YEAR ahead of her peers (who did lounge around on blankets and play softball).
Glad you're back, cher!
this is great and so sad. we have finally managed to screw up everything.
welcome back cb, i missed you
If I could go back and do it all over, I would have:
A) Gone to a different school, out of state, and get the experience of living on my own.
and
B) Gone to grad school after graduating, just to prolong the inevitable descent into the daily grind.
To anonymous at 7:59 AM.
It doesn't matter how many classes your daughter took, how hard she worked.
Does she have a job? Is it not at a fast food chain? Does it involve her degree?
If she can answer "yes" to #1 and #3 and is making over minimum wage, then you can pretty much dismiss that graduation pep talk.
If she is like the rest of us, I will chuckle for a good long while.
Some of us have already realized that you cannot get a job with your history degree. You will be lucky to get a job that pays you the same thing as your coworker, who is currently on year six of junior college. You will work with teenaged schoolchildren who are only motivated by trying to break the school's block on accessing MySpace.
Within four years, your daughter will be back in college with her meager earnings in the real world and be trying for another degree. With the crazy optimism that this one will make her happy and give her an actual career.
The Truth.
God, you are fucking awful. I know you didn't write this but nonetheless, it was a nice reminder of what a terrible person you are.
This post is a lot of unnecessary negativity. Unfortunate you feel the need to spread this type of outlook. Life is beautiful for many of us, I wish you well.
Well said Drew. My greatest mistake was leaving after my masters. With a PhD I would have had a shot at the most coveted designation of all, Professor Emeritus. Bunch of old guys who still take bong hits with their morning coffee.
RJ
Well, sucks for me, huh?
I did happen to find a coupon for Count Chocula...does this mean I'm on the right track?
Wow. Nothing left now but to bring on the Rapture. Not enough bitterness to go around? Let's spread some more. All the more reason to applaud the young people who do make a difference. I'd sort of like for them to succeed. I dunno, guess that's unpopular.
Ha ha HA ROTFLMA I hear Denis Leary too!
Is there a full moon out? Are some people on their period? Anonymous get a sense of humor Yeah life is beautiful but its gonna suck from time to time. Hey like it or not there' some truth in there.
Thank CB I need that after a bad week .
Post a Comment