And let us now pause to remember how we all almost DIED LIKE ASSHOLES in the great swine flu epidemic of '09
Now that the Mexican government has declared the swine flu to be less of a threat to human life than regular flu and basically said that the whole retarded shitshow was coming to a close, let us take a moment now to remember the tens who died in this horrible, horrible scourge against humanity. For this occasion, I have written a short letter to Jesus...
Dear Jesus,
Thank you for sparing all of us still living human people the indecency of having died at the hands of a virus caused by some Pedro's inability to control his urge to impale a sow with his creamy cocksicle. I will never forget the almost two dozen who have perished at the hands of this insidious plague, no matter what other tragedies may befall me, whether slicing my ballsack open in a botched attempt at "manscaping," getting violently ejected from someone's life over a slice of French Toast, or being rejected by my dream lady on the streets of New York, I shall always remember that I could, in fact, be DEAD from the pig AIDS instead! I will never forget the urgent calls to slather our hands, eyeballs, and assholes with Purex, and cover our breathing passages with swaths of cotton, lest this hideous micro-monster infiltrate our orifices and kill us all dead by making rivers of pig's blood stream from our pathetic cocks and twats, which we would then all drown in. I will never forget the incessant hyperventilating by the media about how WE WERE ALL GOING TO DIE if we didn't tune into their news shows and buy their magazines and newspapers. I will never forget the dozen or so hysterical emails I received from readers who were appalled by my "staggering, flippant ignorance" in regards to this epidemic for having the audacity to call bullshit on the hype when it was in its infancy stages. They are probably dead now, these people, for I'm sure I would have heard from them by now telling me how I was right and they were wrong, all along, but alas, may you and God have mercy on their horribly misguided, tainted souls.
I. Will. Never. Forget.
Peace be with you. The body of Christ. Hosanna in the highest. Amen.
Cajun Boy
8 comments:
And yet, thousands of kids in North Texas are home this week because their schools are closed for fear of pig AIDS. Let's face it... these little Texans need all the edumication they can get...
The dumbasses at the hospital where I work decided to post guards at the doors, locked all but 3 exits and quizzed people about their possible flu symptoms before they let them pass...then the next day they sent a memo saying 'uh, after consultation w/ dr so and so, and due to the fact that nobody is actually walking thru our doors w/ the flu, we have ceased the guarding of said doors...'
Fucking brilliant!
Well, not to feed into any of the hysteria or anything and hopefully this thing is more over than the prestige of an MBA from Wharton, but somebody was telling me last night that the pandemic of 1918 started out this way. Mass panic, the flu vanished and then it came back in winter more deadly than before due to its having mutated.
Hopefully that's not the case here. I'm just saying.
@haha...one of the main things i've asserted all along about this is the fact that between 1918 and 2009 A LOT has changed in the last 100 years. we know much more about flu and infectious diseases in general now than we did then, not to mention how the advancements of information technology help curb the spread of such a thing by spreading word rapidly around the globe. weren't they still using leeches for medical treatment and pony express telegrams to pass messages in 1918?
Somehow I just knew that you wouldn't let this day pass without touching on this and you didn't disappoint. Love ya CB!
And all this time I've been holed up in my basement under an old school desk waiting for SARS to kill me.
Oh man, I would repost this all over the place if you hadn't used the word "retarded".
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