Instant messaging is probably the worst technological "advance" in the history of mankind

As regular readers of the space are probably aware of, I recently broke down and bought a "smartphone" after years of protesting against such things. I sort of had to do it really, and now I'm, just as I feared I would be, addicted to the fucking thing. A Blackberry. It serves to clog my brain with more clutter during times where my brain was formerly clutter-free and somewhat liberated. When I'm on the subway. When I go for long walks. When I'm in the deli at 4am waiting for a roast beef hero. I'm now always connected to Internet, always in touch, and frankly, it kinda sucks.

Which isn't to say that I don't love the thing just as much or more than I hate it. It's just now I have something else that I have to exhibit self-discipline over, and self-discipline is something that I lack historically. It's like being a horny teenager and having someone put a vagina right in your face...you just can't help yourself from touching it.

All of this gets me to something...when news spread amongst my circle of friends that I'd finally emerged from the technological dark ages and bought a Blackberry, a few of the longtime Blackberry enthusiasts in my life emerged to embrace my choice of "smartphone."

"Welcome to the club old man."

"Bout fucking time you came out of the swamp!"

"HAHAHAHAH....hell just froze over!"

Those are a few of the messages I received in regards to my getting a Blackberry. But there was something else that a few of my Blackberry-owning friends said that left me utterly horrified...

"Awesome...now we can Blackberry messenger each other!"

"Wait...what's Blackberry messenger?"

"It's like the best thing EVER! It's instant messenger, except on your Blackberry so that other Blackberry users can send you instant messages."

Well fuck me in the ass.

You see, I just don't get instant messaging and the cult-like devotion some people have to it. I mean, it's probably the single most productivity-disrupting thing ever invented. I really don't see any benefit to it all, other than serving as an outlet for bored people to dick off at work. AIM, Yahoo messenger, Gchat, iChat, you name it...fuck now even Facebook, FUCKING FACEBOOK, has instant messaging! It's bad enough that I have to get "poked" every other day, but now I've gotta be bothered by people wanting to "chat" with me as well?

The real world equivalent to such things is just leaving your front door perpetually open for any ole slapdick to barge in unannounced and talk about how much they hate their cunty boss while you're sitting on the couch trying to watch Oprah whine about how fat her fat ass is. Why would anybody want that sort of disruption? And why would I want to take two minutes writing out directions on when and where to meet me for a late lunch when I can just pick up the phone and tell you with my own mahogany voice in twenty seconds. I mean, not only is instant messaging disruptive, more often than not it's actually counterproductive in that it takes longer to get a message across in typed words than it does to speak to another human being. I sit around writing shit all day long! The last thing I want to do is write more shit when I can actually give myself a break every now and then. Besides, it's, oh, I don't know, KINDA NICE TO HEAR THE VOICE OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING FROM TIME TO TIME WHEN YOU LIVE SO MUCH OF YOUR LIFE INSIDE OF YOUR OWN HEAD!

Now, I know that most people aren't working under the same conditions as I am, but there's no denying that we all live much more isolated lives than human beings have at any other point in the history of the world. We are collectively connected via technology, but collectively disconnected via the same technology at the same time. Would it hurt people to talk to each other a little more often?

So it probably goes without saying that, taking my feelings about having instant messenger on my computers into consideration, I'd not be too excited over the prospect of having another instant messenger service on my fucking phone. I mean...can't we just text each other? Isn't that basically the same thing? But lo and behold...the invites from my Blackberry-owning friends to join them in Blackberry messenger sessions came rushing in. And all of them, well, all but one (long story) anyway, went completely ignored.

My point is writing this is, more than anything else, not to lose myself in some sort of modern version of an Andy Rooney-esque screed, but rather to afford myself an easy answer to the perpetual "what do you have against instant messaging?" question in the future whenever it should arise. Now I can just forward this link to people with no further explanation necessary. Feel free to do the same if you happen to harbor similar anti-IM feelings.

Sorry, I'm just not that into instant messaging. It's not you, it's me. No seriously.