What Michael Phelps should have said...

Earlier today, I posted a quote from an outraged American that I'd run across on the internet in regards to the Michael Phelps pot-smoking scandal. It got me to thinking...just once, I'd love to see someone caught up in a situation like this speak some truth to it all. So I composed an imaginary press release from Michael Phelps, the one I wish that he, or someone else in the same position, would release to the public, rather than issue the standard, disgustingly disingenuous apologies...

As all of you are probably well aware of by now, a photograph of me smoking marijuana through a bong was recently released to the media. As is normally the case when these sort of things involving prominent athletes, politicians, or entertainers happen, it's been suggested by the people who advise me that I should issue a mea culpa of sorts to the press. In fact, that was what I originally planned to do, but after giving this some thought over the last couple of days, I've had a change of heart. Granted, I do agree that I need to issue a statement to address this issue. However, I won't be issuing any apologies today. In fact, I'm going to do quite the opposite. I'd like to take this opportunity to state unequivocally that I have no regrets about smoking marijuana at that party in South Carolina or at any other time in my life. Please allow me to elaborate.

I'm 23 years old and have spent a significant portion of my life in a swimming pool. As a result of the sacrifices I have made, I've brought great glory upon myself and my country. Occasionally, like most of you, I like to let go a bit and reward myself for all of the hard work I've put in by having a little fun. In an effort to enhance my desire to have a little fun, I occasionally like to smoke marijuana. I don't do it very often, I can't really, since I'm drug-tested more frequently than most people floss their teeth, but I do enjoy it. Statistics show that many others, young and old, do as well.

With that said, I feel sort of obligated to stand up and defend myself and others who enjoy smoking marijuana here by looking directly into the eyes of a nation so quick to denigrate me and other pot smokers and call bullshit on all of you. I do this with the knowledge that the reason most people recognize my name and my face is from my achievements in the Olympic games, an event greatly funded by a gargantuan stream of marketing dollars supplied by companies that manufacture and distribute alcohol. Over time, study after study has shown that marijuana smoking is significantly less harmful to the body, and less addictive, than alcohol, yet millions of people react to marijuana smoking in completely thoughtless ways, choosing to rationally ignore mountains of available scientific data in favor of knee-jerk, reactionary responses that they've been indoctrinated with since childhood. We live in a country where alcohol consumption is celebrated and encouraged, while marijuana smoking, on the other hand, is demonized, both morally and legally. Have you ever really stopped to think about that, if only for a few seconds? If you had, you'd recognize that this collective mindset makes no reasonable sense at all, not to mention the fact that it exhibits a breathtaking level of hypocrisy. If pictures of me shooting Jack Daniels at a party were to surface, there would barely be a peep about it outside of a few sports blogs. But a picture of me smoking pot has sparked a national outrage. I've been condemned relentlessly by members of the chattering classes, likely before, during or after a time where they were consuming alcoholic beverages, or even worse, smoking cigarettes, doing harm not only to themselves but to others unfortunate enough to be in their vicinity. Does that really make any sense?

In closing, I'd just like to reiterate that I have no regrets in regards to my actions that night in South Carolina. If I had to it to do all over again, I'd do it all exactly the same way. I had a blast that night and wouldn't want it to be any other way. I should also mention that I plan to smoke marijuana again in the future. Deal with it. My advisers tell me that taking such a stand publicly will probably result in my losing some endorsements, but really, I doubt that the corporations endorsing me would stick by my side even if I played the disingenuous sucker, lying through my teeth about how sorry I was and how I'd never do it again. By doing so, I'd be making myself into just as big of a hypocrite as those who have pointed fingers of condemnation in my direction. And frankly, I'm a bigger man than that.

Finally, may I just suggest that all of you out there take a long, hard look at yourselves before projecting your own flawed ideas of morality upon others that you don't know. If this is something you find difficult doing on your own, may I suggest taking a long, hard toke on a bong. It does wonders for opening up the closed corridors within the human mind.

Michael Phelps

*Just to make this clear, I don't smoke pot. It's just never really been my thing. I do, however, like to point out horseshit when I smell it, and this most certainly smells like horseshit, even more than the whole uproar over performance enhancing drugs. I've never been really big on the whole corporate boycott thing, but I sure as hell don't think I'm going to be buying any Subway sandwiches or Kellogg's cereals anytime soon.