Quote of the day II

On Wednesday, January 27, in a sending-off ceremony tinged with a solemnity usually reserved for the funerals of beloved heads of state, the official ballots for the Oscars were mailed to the 5,810 voting members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Today, we track the likely path of a single, unremarkable ballot as it wends its way from the bottom of a mail cart, into the hands of an average voter, and back to a monolithic, independent accounting firm for tabulation.

1/29 7 p.m.

Ballot opened. Slumdog Millionaire immediately checked off. Average Voter has heard some of the recent rumblings (read: brilliantly conceived whisper campaign) about alleged child exploitation, but mild concern about the welfare of actor/urchins half a world away is quickly replaced with burning desire to stick it to intractable SAG by choosing a film jam-packed with non-union performers. Besides, those kids were totally cute! Others receiving auto-votes: Danny Boyle, Heath Ledger, Wall*E. Ballot put aside after hard day of voting.

2/17 2 p.m.

Local news report on Oscar voting deadline alerts Average Voter that there are just three hours remaining before his choices are due at PricewaterhouseCoopers. After a desperate ransacking of the living room, the ballot is discovered between the sofa cushions, and an emergency decision-making panel consisting of the housekeeper, a pool boy pressured into seeing The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on a date night, and a Warner Bros.–supplied replica of Harvey Dent’s two-headed coin is convened. The furious deliberations deliver votes for the Doubt and In Bruges screenplays, while a heated series of rock/paper/scissors matches between maid and chlorination expert decide every technical category within minutes. The ballot is sealed and handed over to the trusty pool boy with Mapquest directions to the accounting headquarters and an exhortation to “drive like you’ve got a U-haul full of uncut heroin and half the LAPD is chasing you.”

-Mark Lisanti