The perplexing ubiquity of Nick Lachey

Last night, pretty late, I was passively watching Sportscenter on ESPN while thumbing through the Sunday Styles section of New York Times (I'm a true renaissance man like that!). It was near the end of the program and I was sort of tuning it out completely to be honest, as I'd seen the NBA highlights I was watching for in the first place, and the topic of the moment had pretty much turned exclusively to NASCAR, which, despite my hailing from the South, is something I really couldn't give a shit about.

So anyway, there I was, on the couch, silently skewering some of the more cheesedicky couples featured in the Times' wedding announcements in my head, when the "Sunday Conversation" portion of the show came on. Noticing this in my periphery grabbed my attention for a moment, as I usually enjoy the "Sunday Conversation" segment, which is typically a five minute interview with some prominent person in the sports world, on the Sunday night episode of Sportscenter, so I turned my full attention to the TV.

The person being featured in this week's segment was, keeping with the NASCAR theme the show had embraced, racing superstar Jimmie Johnson. Now, I have to note that I almost turned away at this point, but decided to keep my attention focused on the interview, if only for a minute or so, mainly because an old friend from back home is a rabid Jimmie Johnson fan, and I was sort of curious to learn a bit more of what this guy was all about.

Conducting the interview was some guy I'd never seen on ESPN before. He was introduced by the anchor as some sort of ESPN special NASCAR corespondent, which explains why I had no idea who the fuck he was. However, I should note that this guy, whatever his name is, came across immediately as a huge dildo. He seemed like he was trying really hard to be the Dick Vitale of NASCAR, which made part of me wanted to reach through the screen and impale him with a dull blade, but that's really not important.

So the interview, which just so happens to be taking place inside of a Chevy Tahoe being driven by Jimmie Johnson on a race track, begins. I'm guessing that the interview setting had something to do with Johnson being sponsored by Chevy, or perhaps they paid ESPN some sort of fee, but regardless, there was definitely some sort of intentional product placement going on, which I suppose doesn't really matter, other than something about that just pisses me the fuck off, but I digress.

Anyway, the huge dildo/Dick Vitale wannabe interview guy introduces himself and his interview subject in the standard "Hi I'm Douchebagus Maximus and I'm here with Jimmie Johnson today" sort of way and the interview is now set to begin. Johnson is in the driver's seat and the interviewer gets into the passenger's seat. All systems seem set to go, except that, unbeknownst to the viewer, there's another introduction still left to make, so the interviewer guy turns toward the back seat, and the camera follows him there, and he utters something along the lines of "and joining us in the back seat today is Nick Lachey."

Now, before I go any further, let me just state for the record that I don't have anything against Nick Lachey. Before this, I didn't really feel anything toward Nick Lachey. My previous feelings about him were feelings of pure ambivalence. I'm told that he pretty much exists these days collecting appearance fees to show up at club openings and parties and such with his cute girlfriend, but whatever, dude's gotta make a living, right? I mean, despite having a thin resume of shit accomplished, the guy seems to always be around, in the picture so to speak, but I've never really found it to be overly annoying, I guess because he seems like such a good guy, someone I could easily see myself being "bros" with, drinking beers on the weekend and watching football while we bitch about broads, because that's what "bros" do you see.

But I think last night's "Sunday Conversation" pushed me over the line of my own personal "what the fuck is Nick Lachey doing here?!" tipping point.

You see, I watched this interview in its entirety, the whole time waiting for Lachey to make his presence felt and to offer some sort of explanation as to why he was riding in the backseat of a Chevy Tahoe driven by Jimmie Johnson while he was being interviewed by some randon dildo from ESPN, and I got nothing, NOTHING! He didn't say a fucking thing! Nick Lachey just sat there looking out the window like a Labrador retriever being taken to the park to fetch twigs.

I mean, seriously, WTF?! Maybe Nick Lachey is friends with Jimmie Johnson. Cool fucking beans. That still doesn't explain his presence in the back of the Tahoe. I mean, not to brag about my personal relations, but I have friends who register on the "celebrity" scale, friends who get asked questions by people with cameras, but I don't go sitting in on their fucking interviews! Quite the contrary, if I was even asked to, I'd be all "HELL NO! WHAT, DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING TOOL OR SOMETHING?"

Anyway, all of this is just my way of saying that Nick Lachey now officially irks me. Consider yourself warned.