For the love of God, can't someone in a position of authority in this country call bullshit on "Jeff Paul's Shortcuts to Internet Millions?!"

As someone who doesn't typically go to bed until the wee hours of the morning and who occasionally channel-surfs during this period, I've noticed a substantial proliferation in infomercials promising easily attainable wealth to viewers of late. I suppose this stands to reason. After all, this country is in the midst of a recession and the scoundrels who make their livings scamming other people have historically thrived during these sort of times, and they're definitely out in full force right now. Hell, I've even seen the impossibly-coiffed former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmie Johnson hawking seminars that claim to teach stock-trading secrets which promise to make money "no matter what the market is doing." But unquestionably the most egregious of all of these sort of ridiculous scams is "Jeff Paul's Secrets to Internet Millions."

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This guy's infomercials are everywhere. Perhaps you've seen them and found yourself staring in slack-jawed "surely people can't be that fucking stupid" befuddlement just as I have? There have even been times where I've seen them running on different channels simultaneously in the same market! Anyway, here's the setup in the Jeff Paul spots that have been running in this area...

The "show," which can be viewed on the homepage of Jeff Paul's website, is hosted by two cleavage-baring spokesmodels named Stacey Hayes and Carmen Palumbo and is set poolside at some sort of douchey resort in southern California. It's mentioned in the intro that knowledge of the Internet or how to merely work a computer is completely unnecessary, as Jeff Paul's shortcuts will turn your computer into a "money-making machine."

Throughout the program Hayes and Palumbo take turns conducting numerous awkward, poorly acted "interviews" with people who claim to be thriving financially using Jeff Paul's "secrets," some of them to the tune of "up to $100,000 per week." These are people of both sexes and multiple races who come from all walks of life and offer background stories that seem specifically tailored to strike a chord within every conceivable gullibility demographic known to modern man. They all testify to how little actual work they do in return for the lavish lives of extravagance Jeff Paul's secrets have granted them, complete with trips around the world on private jets, multiple homes, the finest cars and jewelry, etc., etc., etc. After all of the buildup is complete, the pitch is finally delivered...for $39.95 plus $15 in shipping and handling costs, you get ten free "money-making websites" that are already set up and generating revenue. There is no indication as to what these websites sell or do, but it's hammered home that there is no inventory to sustain and no customer service to worry about dealing with whatsoever. Nothing. So you can just sit out on the deck of your yacht with Petra, your new Russian model girlfriend, and the checks just keep rolling on in.

But wait, it gets better...each month that you stick with the program, Jeff Paul gives you ten more free websites so you'll have even more money coming in! A huge emphasis is placed on the fact that Jeff Paul personally guarantees his program's success "in writing," which immediately brought to mind that line from Tommy Boy about taking a shit in a box and marking it "guaranteed," but I suppose that this is an effective tool for soothing the fears of those leery of being scammed. Finally, as if to sweeten the pot to make it almost impossible to say no, it's noted that if you're not satisfied with the program, you'll get your money back AND you get to keep your ten "money-making websites."

Now, let me just state that even if I wasn't someone who held an intimate knowledge for how the web works and how revenue is generated from it, I'd like to think that I'd be smart enough to see this whole thing for what it is...complete and utter horseshit. I mean, you'd really have to be a fucking retard to fall for something like this, but alas, this is, as we're all too aware, a nation overrun with retards, so there's obviously a market for this sort of thing.

My question in all of this is simple and direct...HOW THE FUCK IS THIS SORT OF THING ALLOWED TO EXIST? Isn't there some branch of some agency buried deep inside the bloated belly of our beached whale of a federal government that's supposed to police this sort of thing? Again, the infomercials for this crackpot outfit are running everywhere! If government regulators couldn't smell a shitty rat in Bernie Madoff's 40 year Ponzi scheme, can't they at least do away with the crap that's directly in their faces and specifically designed to prey on the poorest of the poor within our society? And do the managers of the television stations that sell airtime to feature this horseshit have no moral accountability whatsoever?

And what about the two aspiring actresses or whatever they are who took the jobs to host the show? Did Stacey Hayes and Carmen Palumbo really think that attaching themselves to "Jeff Paul's Secrets to Internet Millions" would enhance their careers in some way? Ironically, one of the first things one notices upon visiting Ms. Hayes' bimbo-y Myspace page is the following quote..."I may work in the candy shop but I ain't no sucker!" Interestingly, despite sharing a wealth of personal information about herself and her multifaceted career, there is no mention of Jeff Paul on her Myspace page. Neither is there any mention of Jeff Paul on the resume of Ms. Palumbo that I found on her website. Funny, you'd think that maybe Jeff Paul would have shown them how to make "up to $100,000 per week" themselves so that they wouldn't have to continue trading their surgically-enhanced flesh for dirty dollars, but alas, he's just a prick or they're just both fucking stupid I guess. And as a side note, both of them reside in the Los Angeles area. Naturally.

Below is a short Jeff Paul commercial I found on YouTube from early 2008, so apparently he's been around for at least a year. How? I've no fucking idea. Your guess is as good as mine. But maybe Barack Obama's "change" efforts can rid the country of this sort of scourge?