An open letter to Nick Saban
(via Tigerdrioppings.com)
Dear Nick,
You thought you were going to get off easy didn't you? You thought that I'd be too distracted by all of this election bullshit to miss the fact that you were returning to Baton Rouge this Saturday to lead your hellish collection of brutish Alabama goat-fuckers into Tiger Stadium.
Well, you're wrong fucko!
I haven't forgotten about you or the ten million totally irrational reasons that I hate your fucking ass. Have I told you lately that I hate you? Oh how I do so hate you Nick Saban. Wanna know how much I hate you? Let me, as they say, count the ways.
Here's how much I hate you Nick Saban...If God himself were to swoop down from the heavens and offer to grant me one wish, any wish, that I so chose, I would pass on having him grant me obscene, Jay-Z levels of wealth, I would pass on him granting me a cock like the most obscenely hung woolly mammoth in world history, and I would pass on him granting me the ability to score epic Wilt Chamberlain-esque levels of ass until the day I died at 879. I would pass on everything to get the opportunity to travel back in time to be your mother's OB-GYN at the time of your birth.
Why would I wish for such a thing you ask? Well, here's why fuckface...So that I could engage in a Terminator-like mission to find your mother/Sarah Conner and destroy you, that's why! Here's how I have long envisioned my destruction of you taking place...
Once your mother reached active labor and I'd placed her in the stirrups, exposing the gaping vagina from which you were set to enter the world, I'd coax your little head through the birth canal until it was crowning just enough for me to impale it with a hollow metal rod with a jagged tip attached to some sort of suction apparatus, which I would then use to suck your brains right out of your little, mushy skull. I would then place the sucked-out brains onto a po-boy bun, dress it with some spicy mayo, lettuce, tomatoes, and pickles, a few carmelized onions, perhaps even a little tartar sauce, and I would then eat my Nick Saban brain poboy for lunch.
18 to 24 hours later, after my highly efficient digestive system had siphoned what little nutritional value was available to be siphoned from your wee brain, I would shit your remains into a brown paper bag, a brown paper bag that I would then set on fire and leave on the doorstep of the home of a young man named Leslie Edwin Miles a few years later, who would in turn stomp out the fire and crush the shit for brains burning on his doorstep, thereby ridding the world of your last remnants while putting an exclamation point on perhaps the most disturbing metaphor ever conjured up by my deeply disturbed brain.
Oh Nick Saban...Have I told you lately that I hate you? I'm not sure who I hate more, you or that foreskin-butchering Jesus freak Tim Tebow. If someone handed me a gun loaded with one bullet and then presented me with you and Tim Tebow and forced me to decide who to use my one bullet on, I would just turn the gun on myself, for the torment of knowing that I could only choose one and that one of you fucks were still living in the world would be too much for me to live with for the remainer of my days.
Enjoy your weekend in Baton Rouge asshole!
Yours in Christ,
Cajun Boy
Geaux Tigers...Fucking Beat Bama Dammit!
14 comments:
REAULLX TIDE!
RJ
Caj,
They have meds for this condition.
Thorozine comes to mind...
Geaux Tigers!!!
(I have to admit I am pandering to you, given your previous hate-filled diatribe against the Vikes, I try not to hold a grudge.)
slam
This would make an excellent pop-up book. Also, would be easier to incorporate into the Louisiana school curriculum that way. More pictures and less words.
Bleurrgghh! :puke:
Uh, what did he do to you?
I'm personally liking the the red tiger tide in this one:)
I like metaphors...don't you?? Gives expressionism a good name.
Okay here is how is feel. LSU can win this game. They can blow bama away. I feel it. Can they play unbound???
Don't fault Nick Saban; he only did what coaches do
Posted by John DeShazier, The Times-Picayune November 07, 2008 8:30PM
Categories: football
Butch Dill / The Associated Press
The LSU football program owes a great deal to Nick Saban.Stop it. Just, stop it.
It's understood that one of the critical elements of a good football rivalry is dislike that's a step from straddling the line of hatred, and that having a singular target of that venom is just as good as finding gold. Because sometimes, when the stakes of the game don't measure up as high nationally as they usually do, or when one team just hasn't played as well as it wanted to, it's nice simply to have someone to kick around.
But LSU fans, break from the effigy burning and insult hurling and a good majority of the other stuff that doesn't fall into the category of clean fun, and admit you like Alabama Coach Nick Saban, who brings the nation's No. 1 team into Tiger Stadium today to play LSU, a whole lot more than you're willing to publicly profess.
Admit the football program owes a great debt to the guy most of you would swear slithered into Baton Rouge on his belly this weekend, and that part of the repayment should be to get over the notion that he wronged LSU when he skipped town to become head coach of the Miami Dolphins at the end of the 2004 season.
Saban didn't leave LSU for Miami any more ham-handedly than he left Michigan State for LSU or any more awkwardly and/or deceitfully than he left the Dolphins for Alabama.
And none of the places Saban has landed has considered him reptilian upon arrival; only after he leaves is he considered something less than a man of morals. And that label mostly is the result of hurt feelings, which mainly can be attributed to hubris and naivety.
The hubris is this: The notion that a particular program or franchise is of such stature that it is, or should be, the dream job and final destination of any coach. Unless, of course, that coach doesn't win enough games, in which case those same fans who believe he never should leave if he wins, personally will help him pack and escort him out of town regardless of how much he might actually consider LSU, or Miami, his dream job and final destination.
The naivety comes in the form of the blind trust placed in the coach's words when he says that, really and truly, he's here or there for the long haul. That might be true the day he says it, and he might actually believe it, but tomorrow another suitor could come along with a better offer. And there is no such animal as a coach who is unwilling to entertain, and likely accept, a better offer.
Again -- and it bears repeating -- Saban was no more deceptive leaving LSU than he was coming in. It just feels differently when you're on the receiving end of the dodge.
But even with the ragged end, LSU's football program and fans should wish Saban nothing but the best except, obviously, on those occasions when the two cross paths. Then, they still can formulate a decent dislike without burning things, cussing and branding Saban a traitor when, in truth, he falls into the category most coaches fall into these days, where loyalty belongs to the highest bidder.
Because it shouldn't at all be painful to remember what Saban was able to do in a short period of time in Baton Rouge.
From 2000 to '04, Saban's Tigers never posted a losing record. Two teams won 10 or more games and one, in 2003, won the BCS national title. Four of the five editions finished nationally ranked and played in bowl games.
Compare that to the decade of the 1990s, when LSU had three winning seasons and the best season-ending rank was No. 12. The program made three bowl appearances -- once in the Peach and twice in the Independence. Only once in the 10 years did LSU win 10 or more games.
The 1980s weren't significantly better. Then, LSU had seven winning seasons and one 10-win year, with the best season-ending rank at No. 5, in '87.
The Saban era was peak years for the program, times to be reflected upon fondly by a program that was put on the right track (three more 10-plus win seasons have ensued, as well as another BCS championship, and the Tigers could win another 10 this year) and by fans who enjoyed Saban's labor and the leftover fruit.
That's no knock against current Coach Les Miles, who hopes to lead the Tigers (6-2) to an upset over Alabama (9-0) today. He easily could have messed up a good thing; instead, the Tigers have finished no worse than No. 5 in the nation in his first three seasons, proof that Miles has had the right touch for the program.
But Saban gave LSU everything it wanted from him, everything except more of him. Ultimately, when you think about it, his only real sin is that he left before he could be asked to leave.
Robbed of that privilege, some Tigers fans roast him now that he makes a return visit and some despise him no matter where he goes.
And that's too bad. Because even though Saban's exit was sloppy, he gave LSU just as much as he took from LSU. A mutually beneficial relationship shouldn't contain as much venom as this one.
I thought I would post this article to give you a taste of what being a classy LSU fan COULD look like.....
Your blasphamous closing, you'll have to take that up with GOD.
Sincerely,
Melissa
@melissa...satire is obviously something that your wee brain is incapable of recognizing and comprehending.
Well Cajun boy....27-21 ALABAMA....
and my wee brain does understand satire....
Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity.
I spotted the latter.....
ROLL TIDE!!!!!!!!
This was both beautiful and disturbing. Thanks for confusing the hell out of me. Well done, Cajun.
I guess its a positive sign that you recognize the hatred is completely irrational. You're clearly a smart dude, so I hope deep down you get that Saban's just a grownup. Grownups leave jobs for better, higher paying jobs. Time to move on bud. I guarantee it would have made today's loss ALOT less brutal than I'm sure it was. But I'm a life long Jets fan, so what the hell do I know?
P.S.
The graphic/hateful tone of your Saban rant may have taken things a bit past the bounds of satire.
Looks like you didnt get your wish. Get ready because this is the beginning of the end for LSUs quazi "dominance" in the West. Nick Saban has already knocked off two coaches (Fulmer and Bowden) and soon three (TubEARville). I am sure ole Lester will be in the hunt for a new job in another 2 or 3 years. If it werent for Nick Saban, LSU would still be the nothing program it was before he got there. Get over yourselves CORNDOGS, its over. ROLL TIDE 27-21
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