Barely lucid 10% of his life's waking hours, finance writer John Carney will tell the world's men how to find true love

Last December, I conducted one of my little infamous Craigslist stunts posing as a lonely Goldman Sachs banker with a fat bonus check looking to buy himself some love/ass during the holidays. After my jackassery had created some buzz, I unmasked myself as it's demented brainchild, which led to Dealbreaker.com editor John Carney emailing me to ask if I'd like to write a regular column in the voice of the banker douche I used in the Craigslist personal ad. Thus, Diary of a Fake Goldman Trader was born, and though short-lived, a whole hell of a lot of fun to write. These days Carney has moved on from Dealbreaker and is an editor at Clusterstock.com. In his free time, Carney imbibes heavily and doles out surprisingly good advice on how people should live their lives. You may remember his "101 Tips for Living" that I posted here a while back. Now he's back, with some advice to guys (and lesbians!) on dating women. Here are a few of my personal favorites from Carney's list of girl types to avoid for each day from now until 2009...

2. Avoid dating a girl just because she is your favorite bartender. Where are you going to drink when you want to forget her?

3. Avoid a girl who tells you she she is on a cleanse. She hates herself.

4. Avoid Kirsten Dunst. She’s a walking time-bomb.

5. Avoid any girl who frequently blogs about her sex life. You know how that one goes.

8. Avoid any girl who ever mentions The Box or Beatrice Inn. She has herpes and just wants your for your cocaine.

10. Avoid any girl who follows you on twitter. She’s already stalking you.

13. Avoid any girl who is a DJ. She’ll make you listen to her terrible music.

14. Avoid any girl who didn’t like “Once.” She’s dead inside.

16. Avoid ballerinas. She’s too flexible and you’ll just wind up hurting yourself.

17. Avoid any girl with more tattoos than you. She’ll never respect you.

18. Avoid any girl who is still angry because her last boyfriend cheated on her. You’ll cheat on her too.

21. Avoid any girl with tattoos in Chinese. Unless, of course, she’s from China.

25. Avoid any girl who tells you she hates her ex-boyfriend. She hates herself.

29. Avoid any girl who has done speed dating, match.com or j-date. She’s got commitment issues, and since you’re an emotionally unavailable alcoholic, neither of you will ever call each other.

33. Avoid any girl who doesn’t drink. Do I need to say anything else here?

34. Avoid any girl who is really, really into tanning. You’ll end up on Hot Chicks with Douchebags. (Ed. note...Um, yeah)

35. Avoid any girl who won’t make out with you in a taxi. She lacks a properly functioning sexual instinct.

42. Avoid any girl who cries when she’s drunk. Her self-pity will destroy you.

43. Avoid any girl who you think looks even hotter when she is miserable. You will destroy each other.

44. Avoid any girl who tries to come off as more emotionally unavailable and cavalier about relationships than you are. She’s secretly a tightly wound bundle of need.

47. Avoid any girl you meet at Cocaine Anonymous. She won’t do drugs with you.

48. Avoid any girl who you never found attractive before but suddenly looks hot. You’re drunk.

53. Avoid any girl who knows the names of all the bartenders in more than four bars. She’s out of your league.

Bonus Round: Avoid any girl who tells you that you are emotionally unavailable. She’s got your number.

Read the whole thing here...

John Carney's list of women to avoid