What's that pervy-looking guy in the Member's Only jacket carrying in his denim murse?

On Saturday afternoon I found myself bumping around the Lower East Side, doing nothing in particular, as is my proclivity on the weekends of late. At some point I popped into The Cake Shop (where one of the world's more titanic cheesedicks will be making an appearance tonight, in the event you're into attending lectures laden with titanic cheesedickery) for one of their red velvet cupcakes (an orgasm for the senses...trust me!). I also popped in to say hi to my friend Sal at Rosario's pizza. Eventually I stopped and grabbed a seat on one of the benches outside of the American Apparel store on the corner of Houston and Orchard to people watch and check movie show times in the Post.

It was when I was sitting there that I noticed a man with thick eyeglasses wearing a blue Member's Only jacket, carrying a denim murse, and generally carrying on like a crazy person. This wasn't especially odd. New York is, after all, filled with crazy people, but there was something about this guy in particular that really creeped me the fuck out and made me take notice. Yes, he was THAT alarming.

In addition to the murse and the Member's Only gear, the guy was wearing a headset that he was barking frequently into in a somewhat agitated manner. As I watched him pacing the perimeter of the store, I noticed that he would often gaze in, but quickly turn away as if he didn't want someone to notice him. I began to seriously think that he was some sort of stalker, and I thought a bunch about what it was he might be carrying in that stupid fucking murse of his. I actually began to consider that this guy was one of those people who was pissed that his ex was boning someone else and decided to show up at her place of employment to fire off a few rounds and then turn the piece on himself. So naturally, I got up and casually began to follow him.

Feeling a bit like Officer Mancuso in A Confederacy of Dunces patrolling the French Quarter for "suspicious characters," I watched as my mark's behavior grew more alarming. He was clearly casing the American Apparel store. He paced back and forth around the entire block, at one point attempting to enter the store via a back entrance on the Allen Street side of the building. After his unsuccessful attempt to enter through the back door, the man began to head west on Houston St., and I thought for a moment that the whole thing was over. I decided to whip out my phone to snap a couple of pictures of him with its camera before he got away for documentation.





Then, just when I thought the whole thing was over, I watched him stop and pause for a few seconds in the middle of the street, turn, and walk back. For some reason I also began to ponder the denim murse and the Member's Only jacket. In my mind I compared his garish style to the historically awful fashion choices that seems to be a common thread amongst homicidal maniacs.

"Oh shit...now's about when the shootin' starts," I thought to myself.

For the first time in the five minutes or so I'd been watching this guy, I was thinking that I should dial 911 or try to hail a cop. But as he walked back to the corner where I was standing, I was able to get an unobstructed view of his face for the first time. It was then that I realized that this was no ordinary murse-carrying maniacal loon, oh no, the person I'd been following convinced that he was about go all Virginia Tech in the men's V-neck section was none other than American Apparel Founder and CEO, Dov Charney!



For a minute, I was a bit thrown off by the lack of stupid, flavor-saver mustache that for so long had been Charney's trademark...



Then I recalled an unflattering profile of Charney and American Apparel that ran a few weeks ago in the Wall Street Journal, one in which he was mustache-less in the pictures and video accompanying the article...



Dov Charney. Some former employees and members of the media are none too enamored with him. Some concerned citizens have taken to defiling his pervy billboards in protest. Some former employees have gushed in their approval of him. Whatever you think of him, there's something very funny about a fashion industry CEO who dresses and accessorizes like this...



while pacing the sidewalk directly underneath the infamous "doggie" billboard above his lower east side store...



I suppose that Dov just decided to follow the advice of this guy...



I don't know about you, but I can't wait to see American Apparel's murse offerings for the fall.