a completely unoriginal list of things that women obsess over that guys really don't give a f*@k about, vol I

excuse me in advance for being insensitive or crass today, but the cup of my on-going befuddlement with any human being equipped with a vagina is kind of overflowing right now. i find myself kinda consumed, fascinated i suppose, over certain things that girls often obsess over that most men (there are exceptions to every rules and a fetish for every freak) just couldn't give two shits about. not that anyone asked for it, but here are five that i, and most men, find most perplexing.

1. fingernails...seriously, at the risk of sounding seinfeldian, what's the deal with women's fingernails? in the 22 years or so that have passed since the onset of puberty sent my hormones into maniacal gash-smashing high overdrive, i don't think i've ever once thought to myself, "OMG...look at that girls' fingernails...i must have that!" nor have i ever heard any of my male brethren express such a thought. or any lesbians that i may have kept company with. for that matter, i've never really heard any girl remark about another girl's nails, PERIOD!

so why the "omg i have a date tonight and i haven't had my nails done" hysteria? not to mention the earth-shattering tragedy that actually breaking a nail can induce? is there anything more pathetic than a girl denying a request from a guy on the grounds that "i might break a nail?" no, there's not, so grab it dammit!

2. the color of your nail polish...this one is an obvious continuation of number one, but still merits it's own mention due to the ridiculous time and preparation that go into the painting of one's finger and toe nails. i had a female roommate once who would change nail color four or five times before finally making a decision on which to wear out on some nights. meanwhile, having freshly painted nails meant that she was unable to touch anything and would frequently interrupt my watching bondage porn in my room to call me out to pour her a drink or some shit.

guys, do the male species a huge favor and from now on whenever you're presented with the question, "do you like this color?" simply reply with a stern, "i really don't give a fuck." any affirmation or rejection of nail coloring on your part also pretty much deballs you in my mind. answering such a question is a form of subconscious emasculation. you might as well put your nuts in jar and hand 'em over to her for placement on her bedside table.

tell her to go ask bobby trendy or someone of his ilk.

3. shoes...with the exception of the occasional sick fuck who gets his rocks off from sniffing prada heels while he manipulates his man-mallet, we guys couldn't care less about your fucking shoes, the reasons for which are pretty much copy and pastable from the previously mentioned two things. furthermore, i would add that your obsession with shoes is the source of great consternation for most men, especially men of the married variety, who often are forced to sacrifice a large percentage of their net incomes to satisfy your shoe cravings, money that could be much better spent on things such as season tickets to sporting events, red meat, and frequent trips to local "rub and tug" joints.

and men, for future reference, the aforementioned "i really don't give a fuck reply" should be a standard response to any inquiry along the lines of, "do you like my shoes?" as well. if lacking motivation, just imagine in your mind the image of your balls sitting on your girl's nightstand floating a jar of formaldehyde.

4. hand bags...again, at the risk of sounding redundant, we don't care enough to sincerely answer the "how cute is this handbag" question one way or another and doing so just makes us gay or friend-zone material. and again, our money is better spent on ball games, steaks and hand jobs from illegal aliens forced into the sex trade.

5. yeast infections...we don't really wanna hear about anything regarding your vaginal discomfort that doesn't directly effect our cocks. do we complain to you about our itchy assholes? negative! so keep your griping about the burning sensation in your vadge to a minimum. we are, however, more than willing to be made aware of your yeast infections in the event that it might affect your willingness to fuck us, thereby you are given permission to ask us to pick up a tube of that 24-hour, miracle yeast infection cure shit at the local walgreens. in fact, we'd be more than happy to help.

now ladies, save your emails and comments that claim that you like all of these things because they "make us feel good." it's all about us, REMEMBER?!?!?!

more to come in the future as they come to me, and surely they will.


getting "christmas aped" is the new "dooced"

being that the old media's disregard of the new media has been a topic of conversation around here lately, it's only fitting i suppose that a blogger gets fired from an establishment newspaper for having the audacity to be a blogger on the side!

i'm talking about michael tunison, better known on the net as "christmas ape," he of the friend of CBITC and frequently linked to by CBITC blog, kissing suzy kolber. tunison unmasked himself on ksk a couple of days ago and was unceremoniously canned immediately by the washington post for having brought "discredit to the paper." in a post on ksk, tunison writes...

Upon sacking, I was told that I brought “discredit to the paper” with my choosing to drink at bars in my free time. Any good journo knows to keep the flask in the desk. That NFL PostSecret series also garnered far too few comments for their liking.

So now in lieu of a three-hour commute and tedious busywork, I can make the same amount of money writing the Further Adventures of Marmalard from my apartment. Sure, health insurance is nice, but it’s no constant masturbation breaks.

Still, getting escorted out of the building by security was no fun, and sharing the elevator with Dana Milbank on the way out was even worse, but none of that compares with the withering scorn of Jean Grey.

and people wonder why i choose to remain anonymous on my blog?


the library, where old people and technology collide

last night i was in the library near the checkout desk when a somewhat bedraggled looking elderly woman came in and approached the librarian sitting behind the desk.

"do you have computers here? somebody told me that a man was giving away a free car on something called the craig's list and i want to get it."

the librarian then led the woman over to a bank of computers with internet access available for public use. what ensued was an oddly humerous and sad display of the utter befuddlement. the woman had no clue what to do with the machine sitting in front of her. it was alsmost as if someone from the 17th century had been transported back in time or something. i'd honestly never seen anyone that mystified by modern technology. she looked downright scared of it, almost afraid to touch any of it's parts lest she be swallowed up by them.

the sympathetic librarian logged her on and showed her how to point and click, but beyond that said that she didn't have time to teach computer skills because she had to get back behind her desk. she mentioned that the library offered free computer classes, but the old woman was having nothing of this. with an almost frantic urgency she was hellbent on finding the free car giving man on "the craig's list."

noticing me nearby, she called out.

"excuse me, but can you help me find the man giving away a free car on the craigslist."

"mam, i hate to say this, but i happen to know craigslist pretty well and i seriously doubt that anyone is giving away free cars. it's a scam."

"why would someone do such a thing? damn computers...who needs em anyway?"


"the way we move" by inner party system

been grooving to this song, which i posted on my tumblr a few days ago, all week. great song for the weekend...enjoy...




more here...
http://cajunboy.tumblr.com