it's me! every guy ever.

last friday, feeling lazy and lacking the capacity for abstract thought, i posted something funny that had been posted by someone else on craigslist, a post titled, "it's me! every girl ever." earlier today, my blog friend colleen of barou is the new brooklyn fame left a comment on that post mentioning that she felt inspired to write an "it's me! every guy ever"post in response. that kinda got me to thinking that it would be fun to write one from a guy's perspective to compare and contrast with the one she wrote, if and when she ever writes one. so i took a few minutes and threw this together...

oh hey! what's up? it's me. every guy ever. i'm really not looking forward to this date, there's a huge game on tonight you see, but i haven't been laid in like, six days. when i met you last weekend at mcnasty's pub you looked as though you were pretty eager to have me assault your ladybox with my man-hammer. too bad i'd already sent out a successful booty text to the backup of the backup of the backup on my list of late night, easy piece of ass booty calls. she was already en route to my apartment and i really had to go, but i got your number to save for a horny day, and now i'm calling you! so would you like to come over for dinner tonight! YOU WOULD!? fucking a!!! i'd really love to cook for you.

as far as you know.

in truth, i'll probably just order takeout from the place around the corner an hour or so prior to your arrival. then, just before you get to my place, i'll place it all in a pot to make it look as though i slaved all afternoon in the kitchen to cook a meal of food just for you. i might even throw on my "blow the cook" apron and chop an onion for dramatic effect. don't worry though, i'll be sure to throw out the containers that the food was delivered in long before you arrive. i wouldn't want to spoil your fantasy.

oh man, you're here. that was fast. no, no, no, it's cool, dinner's ready! let's sit down to eat. allow me to pour you a glass of wine out of a bottle that cost me $3.99 at trader joe's, but i'll tell you that i paid $25 for it at the organic wine shop around the corner. this is one of the reasons that i wanted to invite you over to "cook" for you. not only am i saving from having to tip a waiter, but i'm saving more than a few bucks on wine as well. not to mention that you're not as pretty as the girls i usually date and being seen in public with you would undermine my bitch cred. oh, and then there's also the fact that i've slept with a staff member of just about every bar and restaurant within a ten block radius of my apartment. i wouldn't want to run into any potential friction, thereby making you uncomfortable.

what's that you ask? what's in my sauce? oh don't you worry about that, it's my mom's super secret recipe, but isn't it SO good! oh ok, i'll give you a hint and tell you that i threw together some heavy whipping cream, crushed tomatoes, onions, bell peppers, arugula (that just sounds so fancy..i just know you're impressed!), and black truffles (i've heard that they're expensive and exotic!) to make the sauce.

and of course, i threw in lots of love. can you taste the love in my cooking? wait, i'm not telling you anymore because i don't wanna give away my mom's super-secret recipe. did i tell you that i was really close to my mom? yes, we talk every day. i love my mom. after you have a few more glasses of wine i'll take you into my bedroom to show you the framed pictures of my mom that i keep on my bedside table. if only i could find a girl like good ole mom! hey, you know what, and i SWEAR this isn't some cheesy line, but you kind of remind me of her.

yes, yes, you should definitely have more wine. don't be shy! we're all friends here. and don't worry, once the wine runs out i've got some hard stuff in the freezer to close you with. grey goose and patron to be precise.

i wonder if you're clean enough for me to go bareback with? condoms really suck the life out of sex. it's like eating a great meal, not unlike the one i "cooked" for you, while devoid of olfactory senses. i mean, there is an implicit naivete in you that leads me to believe that you haven't been with that many guys, but i've seen those girls gone wild spring break videos, and you did mention that you were in a sorority while you were in college. i could live with HPV. herp i'm not so sure about. maybe i'll dig through your purse to check for a valtrex bottle when you go to the bathroom. of course, you've nothing to worry about when it comes to me because i'm totally clean.

as far as you know.

wait, what's that? no, i'm totally listening to you tell me all about your friend courtney's wedding coming up in june. i'm not straining to block you out and tune my auditory senses into the near-muted volume on my TV, which i have tuned to the big game. if i can't watch it then at least i can at least listen to the play by play while you ramble on about your bridesmaid dress and surely you wouldn't have any problem with that if i were to do it, even though i'm not doing it, right?

hey. you're feeling pretty good right now aren't you? got all that good food in your belly and you're a little tipsy on top of that. you know, it's really late and i'm going to worry about you if you try to make it home alone at this hour, so why don't you just spend the night? i won't try anything, i swear.

and hey, you know what, i give the best massages! yes, it's true, you really hit the jackpot this time baby. a guy who cooks great meals AND gives great massages! so come into the bedroom and lay down. you should really take your clothes off. the massage will feel so much better that way.

i hope that you didn't notice me kick that pair of panties under the bed that what's her name left on my floor last weekend. i totally missed that when i was straightening up earlier. oh, ok, who am i kidding, i didn't bother to straighten up for you. SORRY!

god, you're so tense. i'm gonna have to climb on top of you to really dig my muscular hands down into your tense flesh. and you know what else? i'm working so hard at giving you a great massage that i'm working up a sweat, so i'm gonna take my clothes off. i'm kinda hot. can you feel the body heat pouring out from me? don't mind that thing poking you occasionally in the area of your back, sides, butt, and thighs. it's only my massive, throbbing hard-on, the one that i'm going to beat your pussy up with very shortly.

now, i want you to lay very still as i lower my face to the back of your neck. feel my breath on the nape of your neck? of course you do. look, i've got something to tell you. i'll whisper it softly and directly into your ear.

i think that i may be falling in love with you.

as far as you know.


"gotta have you" by the weepies

since i've just planted the pig seed in the mind of every female who reads this blog, posting this song is my futile attempt to play faggy mcfaggins and show that i am indeed in touch with my softer side.

seriously, i love this fucking song!




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