john q. citizen has had it with all of these "performance enhancing" drugs!

in lieu of all the indignation running rampant over use of "performance enhancing" drugs by athletes and entertainers, i thought i'd channel the everyman to get his take on all of this...

how y'all doing. i'm john q. citizen and i am PISSED about all these athletes and rappers and the like using all of them so-called "performance enhancing drugs." let me tell you something, it just ain't right. these people are taking pills and injecting themselves with stuff that ain't allowed by the government so that they can run faster and hit more home runs and sell more records.

and that's just plain wrong.

the only drugs that people should be taking are the legal kind, the good kind, the kind that help you perform better but don't do no harm to your body. take my boy johnny jr. for instance; he brought home a couple of C's on his report card last year and when we mentioned that to the doctor he said that johnny jr. probably has the A.D.D., so he wrote him a prescription for this adderall stuff, and now johnny jr. is makin' straight A's. hell, he's running around making lists and building stuff and is just a whole new, better kid.

then you look at my wife carolyn, she takes prozac after she had a breakdown at work a few years back (she's a secretary at a construction company) and her life is so much better because of it. she also takes celebrex (she used to take vioxx until they shut it down) because she's got the arthritis in her hands somethin' awful and it prevents her from typing fast, so she's gotta take it so that she can do her job and so that they don't hire some young girl with nimble fingers to take her place.

and as for me, well, i admit it, i take the viagra every now and again, but only because the propecia that i take for my hair loss makes my pecker sad, and the little blues give it the boost that it needs to keep carolyn happy. and you know what they say..."if mama ain't happy then ain't nobody happy."

you see, me and my wife and my kid, we all take medication that you might consider "performance enhancing," but these drugs are different because they're legal by the government. we need this kind of stuff. we need it so that workers on the assembly line like me stay happy and busy making widgets and other stuff like that and in doing so we keep this big machine we call america churning and working and happy making humanity better because of it. those people taking those steroids are only doing it to better themselves and they're doing harm to their bodies in the process. not like there's any harm in having my kid take adderall or my old lady take prozac over the course of a number of years. not like it might effect their livers or the chemicals in their brains or anything. the government says it's all right, and we all trust the government to look out for us and do right by us, don't we?

so stop it with all this nonsense roger clemens, andy pettitte, 50 cent, timbaland and the like. it just ain't right. congress will come and get your ass because lord knows this is way more important than dealing with the war in iraq, the environment, healthcare, the economy and all.

oh man, my legs are cramping. better call the doctor for some of that stuff for restless leg syndrome.


introducing "thad" and the diary of a fake goldman trader

in lieu of a stir that i caused on the net with a recent blog post, i was asked to write a weekly column in on dealbreaker.com in which i channel that voice, a voice that i decided to name "thad." the first piece, which will subsequently run each weds. afternoon from here on out, can be found at the link below.

how to find the right tailor and other things we learned from thad, the fake goldman trader


the 16th minute

hey, remember those two guys from houma, la that made national headlines for being expelled from an all you eat buffet chinese restaurant, the ones that i told you about here...

"i ain't that fat, i only weigh 277!"

well, they made an appearance on the jimmy kimmel show and it was kinda funny. actually, it's very fucking funny. god bless the cajuns!






this aggression will not stand man!

well it happened. the church of scientology went after gawker for posting the videos of tom cruise 's maniachal rantings. and god bless nick for giving them a big "go fuck yourself" in response. i keep waiting to hear from them for merely linking to the video. read the cease and desist order and gawker's response here...

church of scientology claims copyright infringement


columbus, ohio mayor makes good on ill-advised bet

thanks to a reader named danielle for emailing with this link. columbus, ohio mayor john coleman sports his purple, gold and white to a city council meeting...


see all the pics here...

the dead pelican

so good to see the mayor put aside his seething envy for a day to fulfill his betting obligations. this reminded me of something...hey dave and thomas...where's my fucking bottle of jack?!?!?!?!


the cajuns are taking over the world

this morning i learned that the louisville courier journal has a new food columnist. and guess what, he's a cajun named pableaux johnson (best name ever by the way) he hails from new iberia. you can read his inaugural column here...

welcome to my table


the long-awaited return of alex balk

just when i was about to fire off an email to him imploring that he start a personal blog so that the world (most importantly ME!) could once again get regular doses of his lunacy, alex balk, formerly of gawker and tmftml, has launched a tumblr blog. find him here...

http://alexbalk.tumblr.com/

and oh yeah, he does post occasionally here at radaronline.com, but not enough.


thirsty monkey

this made me laugh.


via the sherman foundation


"no one's gonna love you" by band of horses

still loving this song so fucking much...