dear football gods,
tonight, as i'm sure you're already well aware, LSU and ohio state will be playing for the championship of college football in the new orleans superdome. to the people of louisiana and their native sons and daughters around the world, this is kind of a big deal. we could really use your help, your divine intervention, to ensure an LSU victory here. quite frankly, i think that we deserve this. it's the opinion of myself and many others that you've kind of dealt us a bad hand in recent years. we've faced much strife, grief, shame, public humiliation and unrelenting regret. and no, i'm not even referring in any way to those TWO FUCKING STORMS OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS that you unleashed upon us in 2005. i'm talking about the spears family.
do you have any idea how agonizing it is to have the world's most recognizable louisiana native face be that of britney spears?
do you have any idea how shameful it is to us that her life is such a botched abortion of a life that dr. phil, that epic toolbag of the moving image birthed by oprah who takes second place in the race for world's biggest folksy evangelical charlatan only to a previous source of every louisianian's shame, jimmy swaggert, felt compelled to intervene to help little brit-brit put the pieces back together again?
the early result of this asshat's intervention is a quote that is possibly the most gross understatement in the history of gross understatements..."she is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention."
NO FUCKING SHIT! like the rest of the world's non so-called medical professionals were totally oblivious to this fact, especially after she did this...
to make matters worse, young jamie lynn, perhaps the family's lone hope for public redemption, had to go off and get herself all knocked up at 16. yeah, yeah, yeah, i know that this sort of thing is sadly commonplace in my homeland, but how does mama spears still have the titanic gall to attempt to pass herself of as the next dr. spock in the aftermath of this shitshow?!?!
(via the superficial)
and perhaps the most egregious sin of all of this family's many egregious sins is the fact that it's patriarch, jamie, regularly flaunts his LSU fandom, thereby sullying the rest of us "normal" LSU folk by proxy...
do you have any clue how anguishing it is to have a blog that openly touts your heritage as a cajun when this family is shitting its pants in public almost daily and then having to be barraged with emails from readers asking, "why haven't you written anything about (insert name of offending spears family member here)?" do you have any inclination at all as to how awful it is to have the town of kentwood, once a beaming symbol of state pride for its tasty spring water (true story...when i was a wee cajun lad i considered anyone that lived in a brick house that had a kentwood water dispenser in said brick house to be "rich") , to be now known worldwide as the hometown of spears family?
look, i know that i haven't been a model citizen myself. i've longed and lusted over the ladies of others. i've deceived innocent denizens of a certain online message board. i've been gluttonous. i've even shamelessly solicited your archrival in an effort to peddle my soul's syndication rights. i've also mocked and ridiculed nick saban, satan's lead football angel on earth, but still a child of god, i think. i also compared LSU coach les miles to ronald reagan, who some members of my heavily republican state think may have actually been the second coming of jesus christ. i should probably burn in hell for my incessant ridiculing of jersey, america's other wretched state, and their guidos. but look...we deserve this.
in closing, and i really have to run because i've got some beer chillin' in the cooler (time to start pre-gaming baby!), let me just say that besides having to live with the daily torment of the spears family, we don't have much. LSU football is one of the few things that we have and we're almost irrationally proud of it and its tradtions. so do all of us a favor and answer this simple prayer for us, see to it that these simple requests come to fruition...please allow LSU to sodomize and disembowel ohio state and the totality of its buckeye nation tonight, AND please find some way to disassociate our beloved homeland from the spears and their on-going dysfunctional family saga. we promise to recite as many hail marys as you see fit in return. we'll even cook your boy jesus a mean gumbo when he comes back and lives down on the bayou, for we all know that jesus is a cajun at heart.
UPDATE...the prayer has been answered...
ps...look for this when the bands for ohio state and LSU take the field tonight...
pss...during the pregame national anthem hoopla, look for friend of a friend clint maedgen and the preservation hall band, whose song below, "complicated life," is the quintessential song and video representing modern life in new orleans...
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Monday, January 07, 2008
dear football gods,