my holiday gift to you: "fancy being lavished during the holidays?"

since it's the holiday season i've been in a giving move of late. well, not really, but if i had a penny for every email that i've received from readers asking me "when are you going to post another fake craigslist ad" i'd have, well, about 5 bucks. so i decided to throw all of you bloodthirsty sharks a bucket load of chum. hope that you came hungry.

as any regular reader of this bastion of idiocy can attest to, i've had a bunch of fun in the 10 months or so of this blog's existence using craigslist as a satirical device. in that time i've posed as a hipster girl looking for an aloof hipster boy who failed to notice her on the L train, a guidette seeking a hot guido boy that she spotted at a jersey club, and an upper east side girl seeking the cute guy wearing a "power suit" on the 6 train.

but frankly, i got bored with it. i did don the jester suit once again when i posted the infamous "i will blow you for Genesis tickets" ad on a whim back in september, but i had pretty much written off doing any more of these due to my frustrating inability to do something that i foolishly thought that i had mastered by this point in my life.

my ability to understand women.

more specifically, my ability to reel in women with the same sort of fake craigslist postings.

you see with men this game was easy. the formula went something like this: paint a picture with words of a girl with glaring and severe character flaws while dropping obvious hints that the girl posting the ad was extremely attractive, walking the fine line between sheer atrociousness and slight believability all the while. men, being the pigs that they, we, are, are more often than not willing to look right past all of the shitty personality traits in order to score what they deem to be a hot piece of ass. the same formula worked equally well with straight or gay men.

but when i tried to lure female responders using the same formula, which i did 3 or 4 times before giving up, it failed miserably. the only attempt that garnered any responses worth posting was when i posed as an LA guy looking for a plastic girl that he had seen at the grove in west hollywood the previous weekend.

and so i resigned myself temporarily to thinking that women were, for the most part, the superior sex in terms of nobility, honor and eminence. that belief held true until yesterday morning when i must have read at least a dozen stories of the record bonuses($600k on average) being distributed at goldman sachs. suddenly, a light went off within the deepest, darkest corridors of my wee cajun brain.

"I'VE GOT IT!!!"

i felt the way that i imagine issac newton must have felt when he watched the apple fall from the tree. i wanted to punch myself in the balls out of annoyance for this simple formula being so elusive to me, but i suppose that having grown up poor and never attaining a status above "upper middle class" as an adult left me ignorant of the power that wealth holds over women.

already running late for an appointment, i ran to a computer and blitzed out an ad. by late this afternoon, barely live and viral for 24 hours, the thing was burning up the internet, widely written about by online magazines and blogs and being emailed extensively. the replies numbered in the hundreds, many of them expressing a range of emotion including indignation, horror, admiration, bewilderment and, of course, eagerness. i even heard from a hollywood producer inquiring about turning this story into a movie. i also received a cringe-worthy response from a girl that i actually know. at around 6 o'clock tonight the fine folks at craigslist blocked anyone else from being able to respond, but they kept the ad itself up. this left me both frustrated and befuddled.

whatever, here's the text of the ad (which was subsequently enshrined forever in "the best of craigslist") in all its glory, an ad in which i pose as a young, lonely, ibanking dullard with money to burn. i also threw in a big cock for extra measure.

fancy being lavished during the holidays?

Reply to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-18, 3:10PM EST

the holidays suck. i never thought that i'd ever say that but this is the first time in my life as an adult that i don't have a girlfriend to share in the experience with and it sucks. bad. 3 weeks ago i came home from a night out for steaks and cigars with some of the guys from my office to find that she had cleaned out her drawer in my handmade oak dresser and left a note on my viking stove that simply said "i'm done." i've been texting her like 10 times a day but i haven't heard from her since.

what sucks even more about it is that i just got word from my boss this morning about how much my bonus is going to be this year. wanna guess?

772k.

and you'd think i'd be happy, right? WRONG! i mean with so many people out there whose lives are so less meaningful because they only make 60 or 70k a year, how could i not be happy? well, think about that for a minute. what use is three quarters of a million dollars per year in income if you've got nobody to share it with, nobody to lavish with flowers and designer bags and shoes and dinners at places like per se, nobu and babbo? what good is the new condo on the west side when i've got nobody to sit out on the balcony to look out over the river and drink egg nog with during the holidays.

most importantly, what use is a 15 foot fraser fir christmas tree if i've got nobody to put presents underneath it for?

so what am i looking for, you ask? someone to share all of this with at christmas, that's what. i'm out of the office all of next week and i'm going to go crazy all by myself in my huge, shiny new condo. all i ask is that you're reasonably cute and willing to reciprocate my kindness and generosity by keeping me warm on these cold winter nights. i don't even care if you're jewish or some other religion that doesn't celebrate christmas because my parents will be in france and will never find out. together we'll go out for amazing dinners, we'll go shopping together, we'll drink great wines and at the end of the day we'll get each other off fabulously.

finally, you need not worry about not being attracted to me. i'm 28 years old and i've still got the same looks/physique that i had when i wrestled in college and have had a certain part of my anatomy compared to a baby's arm. i am also quite charming.

so what are you waiting for?

here's the link to the original ad where it's now been moved to "best of craigslist"...

fancy being lavished for the holidays?

and with that the responses came rolling in. as i mentioned previously, by 6pm tonight i had received hundreds of them. filtering through them all was a bit of a tedious process, but i've selected a few that interested/amused me in some way and posted them below. names and email addresses have been redacted so as to limit public humiliation.

some of the respondents were interested in the beef...

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 18, 2007 6:14 PM
subject: Baby's arm?

First off, I'm independently wealthy so I don't need your bread. What I am interested in is your cock. If it is what you say it is and you possess the ability to get it hard and keep it hard, I'm interested. My bfriend will be in Kansas visiting his fam and though I love him his cock is lacking. I would love to get turned inside out by a young stud with a big dick for a week. Are you up for it? I'm 36 but I'll be the hottest piece of ass you ever fuck. Send me a pic.

Z

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 18, 2007 5:12 PM
subject: whoa nelly!

I've always wanted to take a ridiculously huge cock in my butt. If I let you do me in the bum, will you still respect me enough to take me to Prada?

some respondents were emphatically interested in being "lavished."

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 3:44 PM
subject: fancy being lavished during the holidays?

I too will be around next week (as I am jewish, and therefore do not have the whole family-obligations at christmas thing). And I'll be upfront, as for requirements about being reasonably cute, i'm small and in-shape, and didn't inherit the bad nose, so i have that covered adequately.

Would love to spend the holidays with you and the 15 foot tree. Although, to be honest, I'm a big concerned that you've simply described yourself as looking as you did in college, picture please?

And since today is one of the last day's for gifts purchased online to arrive pre-Christmas, I'll save you the trouble of having to ask:
I wear a size 0 in clothing
Size 6 in shoes (European 36.5)
My birthstone is amythyst, but I'm not a huge fan of purple, so I tend to prefer diamonds and pearls.

Look forward to hearing from you!

Always

from: [redacted]@hotmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 5:23 PM
subject: fancy being lavished during the holidays?

First of all - NEVER text a girl 10 times in one day. I really hope you were just exaggerating.

Anyway, are you for real? I can't imagine if all the stuff you're saying is true that you don't already have some sort of back-up plan. I mean really, if you are any good at whatever you do at GS then have you ever heard of something called "hedging"? Or, why not go to Cain or PM (or is the new place to be 10AK?) and easily find a girl who would be happy to be lavished during the holidays. More importantly, why haven't I met you there? Haha.

I would certainly enjoy a week long fling with a a guy who would take me out to nice dinners and shopping (I need a new pair of FMB's and if you don't know what those are, you'll have to reply). I recently broke up with my boyfriend and actually have no holiday plans (I fall into the non-Christian bucket so no family plans either). You just have to promise me one thing - don't fall for me. I'm not looking for anything serious!

In conclusion, if you like talkative, friendly Asian girls, give me a holler.

fbj

P.S. Was that 700k net or gross of taxes? Just kiding! (Sort of...)

from: [redacted]@yahoo.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 3:18 PM
subject: Merry Christmas!

You are hysterical! I live in the city but I will actually be going home to CT next week. I am very intrigued and would love to meet for a drink another time. My fiance and I broke up last spring and the first holidays alone are hard. I too miss having him take me shopping and nights our at Per Se and Daniel with someone special. I love my girls but it's not the same. Send me a pic. And let me know if you would like to meet for a drink after the holidays. I have attached some of myself. Have a wonderful week and good luck!

Merry Christmas!

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 18, 2007 5:56 PM
subject: fancy being lavished during the holidays?

I like your frankness, but life can't be that bad, is it? I'd say you need a Charlie Parker tune, a bottle of red wine, lots of candle light and lots of kisses. Your condo will be warm and inviting. Let me know if you need a partner in crime. And send me a photograph so I can make sure we aren't cousins. I will send you a photo, too, of course so you can decide for yourself if I am sufficiently cute. HTD

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 11:36 AM

Dear whoever you are,

I just read your ad, and wanted to propose myself as a candidate.
Typically I would not be attracted by such a blatant lure of money.
I've always been hard working, ambitious, and self sufficient.
However, I recently started a new job with a "prestigious" firm.
While I am very grateful to have this job, and try my best, nothing I
seem to do is ever right.

For example, certain co-workers only require me to perform menial
tasks, and then nitpick my work, requiring constant redrafts and
changes to e-mails and cover letters. Others push me to participate
in calls and explain documents with very senior parities, in a
situation where no junior person would feel comfortable. I know you
don't want to hear about this, but I am frustrated, and I do believe
I have lost the Christmas sprit this year.

The point is, I know there is a "transition period" and I should be
patient with myself and others, but frankly, I'm ready to throw in the
towel. For the first time in my life, I dream of marrying rich, and
spending my time cooking, cuddling and decorating for the holidays.

So some things about me; blonde, fun, fit, and smart. Let me know if
you are still interested and the position has not been filled.

Happy Holidays.

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 12:48 PM
subject: Lavishment over the holidays

As your ad on Craigs list intrigued me, I'm in Chicago, does the offer include airfare?

karie

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 1:07 PM
subject: hi

Hi Mr GS

I just read your post through the website
http://www.dealmakerdaily.com/news/item/13437.html

It is normal to feel upset everytime you break up with someone...but you will get over it soon! Besides....during the holidays everyone seems to be more sentimental than usual...

So..try to look at the bright side of things.. you are a successful investment banker, living in the best city of the world with so many things to do (you can really enjoy this time you have for yourself to think more about ur personal needs, the life you had before you began dating, all the great things you can do in the city - it doesnt matter if you are single...NYC is the city of single people!!! :) )

Besides..all the things you just wrote in ur "ad" are just proof that you wont be single for too long. You are a great catch. The problem is....you need to date powerwomen, the ones who work in IB as well...the ones who will understand your schedule....

If you are interesting in chatting, please email me and we can use MSN.

xoxo

Happy Holidays

D.

from: [redacted]@hotmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 3:02 PM
subject LA to New York?

You could fly me out after work on Friday; I just need to be back to work on 12.26. Ha.

Seriously, I am very sorry that you are going through what you are. I too have managed to put together a nice career, I do whatever I want to, & I have no one to share my joys & pains. Fuck it.

So yeah, if you haven't gotten a decent response, I'd totally fly out. Or we could meet in Vegas. Or some shit.

k.

P.S. I'm an attorney, so I'm not looking for a sugar daddy. I just want someone to hang out with, laugh with, & fuck.

from: [redacted]@yahoo.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 5:35 PM
subject: Fancy being lavished

Fancy being lavished? Who wouldn't say yes to that? & with a title such as that I am sure you'll be getting a ton of emails from lovely ladies within this city seeking the money that you care to flaunt. Don't get me wrong it's not a bad way to go at all- but I feel by flaunting something so vain *after all if you think about it money is simply paper ;)* you'll be hearing from women who want nothing more than to use and abuse what you would have to offer with no respect towards your needs as well. I on the other hand realize what you would like to offer is great and in return you should be fully taken care of. I am a ton of fun- I love going out just enjoying NYC it’s a great city this time of year! I just like to enjoy my self as much as possible in the moment and not worry or stress about pointless crap! And yes i actually have a mind that i like to use - and also enjoy having a interesting conversation with somebody -rare in this town i know - I myself am looking for some company around this time- I am always interested in meeting with new people. I am the kind of gal that can get dollied up very nicely for a great dinner or night out on the town but am just as comfortable in some jeans and eating in a cheap little burger joint drinking a beer and having some good laughs. I just like to enjoy myself with others regardless of what we do or where we end up! I am very spontaneous and I love doing things spur of the moment and seeing what happens next. I am someone who can give you that feeling of comfort that you deserve. I am pretty successful in my own right and can/like to take care of myself as well. But like you, I enjoy the feeling of having a man wanting to lavish a woman making her feel special and amazing-- when a man likes to do things for me, it always make me want to do something for him right back! It's a game I happen to enjoy playing- if your intrigued let me know and i will gladly send you a picture of myself and i know you would not be disappointed...

from: [redacted]@hotmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 1:19 PM
subject: Holiday lavishment

Why don't I have those kinds of problems during the holidays? ;-) Instead I'll be answering questions from the family about why I'm not married yet. I'll be around most of next week and would love to have someone to share (and appreciate) great wines and food with. I'm 32, single, 5'8", slender, and blonde. And reasonably smart.

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 3:19 PM
subject: Too bad I'm going out of town

Sorry your life sucks. I hate being single during the holidays, too...but my life sucks so bad that my bonus is only a fruit basket. I would respond to your ad seriously but I'm leaving town for a week tomorrow and I assume you'd like someone ASAP (seeing as how you posted on Craigslist and all. I mean, really you could have gone to a bar tonight and then you'd at least see what you were agreeing to. right?)

Anyway, I guess I'll wish you luck on the hunt. I may not be around now but I'll be back before the New Year if you don't find anyone by then. I'm pretty good-looking, I think. Maybe not drop-dead gorge but not one of those "well at least she's got personality" girls either. Although I do have a great personality. And I won't lie, your money-bagging ways are interesting, but really, I just like a good martini or a gin and tonic.

these were short and sweet but amused me nonetheless...

from: [redacted]@barclayscapital.com
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 4:56 PM
subject: fancy being lavished during the holidays?

You seem nice

from: [redacted]@optonline.net>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 1:12 PM
subject: fancy being lavished during the holidays?

wrestlers are too short for me

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 3:05 PM
subject: GS

I have a lot of friends working there...can't you get fired for this?

some respondents were very, very angry...

from: [redacted]@yahoo.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 1:52 PM
subject: Lonely Holidays?

Wow Buddy. And I don’t mean this in a good way.. Nothing says HUGE D BAG like bragging about how much money you make, or even mentioning tiny tidbits to the world about your really cool expensive oven.. Hi Braggy McBragster on your salary that no one gives 2 skank ass shits about. Yea skank ass shits, you heard me, the real smelly ones. The one you’re gonna get shat on from the girl that responds to this Craigslist post. (Hopefully not in your expensive Egyptian cotton sheets though).

How do you plan on spending this Christmas with her? By shoving pine cones up her ass? Is that the BIG present under your 15ft Fraser tree? Sign me up.

Did you try checking P in the phonebook of the yellow pages, it means prostitute. That means she will probably let do whatever you want with your baby’s arm anatomy, that you felt obligated to mention (cough, obviously you have nothing to hide). Nothing says more lonely and desperate then asking for a cuddle buddy or romping session on Craigslist. You sound really charming.

Hopefully your ex reads this, because if she had any bit of doubt that she wants to come back. IT’S DUNZO. (clap clap clap) she isn’t responding to your texts for a reason. So congratulations.. You have officially won the championship belt of the year for biggest loser.

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 4:51 PM
subject: gross

ew ew ew, you are disgusting. you are such a vain and horrible person, it's really no wonder your girlfriend left you.

and here's a bit of news - no one REALLY wants something the size of a baby's arm inside them.

but what do i know, i only make $80k, so my life must be less meaningful than yours. then again, if having a "meaningful" life means being so obsessed by money and vanity, i'll keep mine, thanks. and i can afford my own designer bags on my salary, thank you very much, and still have plenty left over to donate to charity.

try doing that with your bonus - maybe realizing how lucky you are and helping some people who aren't so lucky, instead of spending thousands of dollars on christmas trees and expensive dinners at nobu.

kelly

this respondent suggested a career change before giving me her statistics...

from: [redacted]@live.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 12:30 PM
subject: none

Any girl would be a fool not to respond to this…… Your hysterical! If GS doesn’t work out for you Ad sales might just be your nitch. J Not sure there bonus structure is as lucrative though??

Honestly it was the mention of the 15 ft frasier, and the egg nog on the balcony that really caught my attention!

In any case, you have a lot to be thankful for. I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas!

Love Always,

28 yr old single, cute, catholic, brunette in nyc

these respondents got all entrpreneurial on me...

from: [redacted]@bobreiter.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 9:01 AM
subject: fancy being lavished during the holidays?

Forget the girl….come to Florida and buy a drop dead gorgeous oceanfront condo in a luxury building. It will keep your mind off your woes and you will attract a hot south Florida Babe looking to nest!!!

www.blogsouthflorida.com

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 18, 2007 6:54 PM
subject: If you like rock & roll...

You can float some of that 772k to me and my band. I'll be earning just under 10k this year. Boy that'd be the lift I'm looking for, and we'd make a fantastic record...
Brian
www.myspace.com/higgins

a few got the joke and just wrote to say so...

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 3:51 PM
subject: fancy being lavished during the holidays

Since when did Bret Easton Ellis start posting ads on Craigs? Seriously, I don't know who you are but this is pretty fucking genius. It's so perfectly crafted it's ridiculous. I am in awe sir or madam, whoever you are!

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 9:36 AM
subject: fancy being lavished during the holidays?

Thanks for making me laugh. Love satire on Craigslist! You definitely took over personal ad of the year from $500K girl.

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 11:41 AM
subject: Your Christmas Gift

This may be one of the most fantastic postings I have EVER seen on Craig's list.

Just thought I'd say thanks for making a gal's day.

Xoxo-
GG

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 2:30 PM
subject: fancy being lavished during the holidays?

my friend just sent me your posting - killer sense of humor, whoever you are. nice work. happy holidays!

some wrote wanting to new how they too could be a lonely banker with a 772k bonus...

from: [redacted]@sapphire.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: 19 Dec 2007 11:27:54 -0500
subject: Trader Daily

Hey - I know you must be getting dozens of e-mails because of the reference to your post, but I wanted to ask you a quick question.

How'd you get to where you are as a trader at GS?

With all due respect, I know how you feel with regard to the holidays - I'm not a huge fan these days either.

If you actually read this e-mail, I'm also interested in finding a financial planner - could you recommend anyone?

It'll be 2008 soon enough.
Joe

from: [redacted]@hotmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 2:10 PM
subject: fancy being lavished during the holidays?

You know you're post is making it's way around the U.S. A friend in Chicago just sent it to me...

BTW, how do I get your job?

others wrote with simple but seemingly sincere well-wishes...

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 2:30 PM
subject: fancy being lavished during the holidays?

Your proposition has certainly caused quite the buzz amongst all my female coworkers. I must say, you certainly know how to speak to your target audience, except one minor, yet crucial detail... what did you do that was so bad to have your ex pack up and leave with nothing more than a "I'm done" note?! Cold. Hope you find what you're looking for!

from:[redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 5:20 PM
subject: RE: fancy being lavished during the holidays?

Dear Mr. Lonely Manhattan:

A friend of mine sent me the link to your posting on Craigslist today. Usually, I don't respond to strangers but your posting caught my attention. No, it is not the money; but congrats on your bonus. The reason why I'm sending you an email is because I have a friend who is also in a similar situation as you. He received a big bonus and just recently bought a condo but has no one to share all the joys with. However, he has been single for a long time.

Below is the email he sent me today:

"I guess I was happy to get my big raise recently, but I realized that I don't have anyone to share it with and celebrate. And then I have to go to India and HK next month. Traveling is cool, but being by myself in HK will not be fun. I learned that when I had no one to hang out with in Thailand last time.

I've realized it's more important to me now to have someone with me to enjoy and celebrate the major events that occur in my life...and also someone to support me when I need it. You get some of that when you are with your friends, but it's not the same...

that's what's been getting me down lately"

All, I can say is...don't worry and cheer up. Life always has its ups and downs..Things will get better, as always.

Sincerely,

Ms. San Franciscan

from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 2:51 PM
subject: fancy being lavished during the holidays

Hello FBLDTH,

I'm not interested in nor particularly qualified for being lavished during any time of year, but I relate to your experience and posting.

I am a former fashion model, a recent graduate with two masters degrees (MBA/MPP) from the University of Chicago, and am also currently employed in the finance industry (across the Street, on the buy side). Your posting (which I read off a link of Trader Daily) was heart-breaking and, I think, an honest assessment of the trade-offs many of us in our late 20s make to ensure our future success. It is a long, lonely, and emotionally-draining slog - one which few who don't possess our drive and ambitions truly understand. I'm saddened but comforted to know I'm not alone.

I wish you all the best and hope you find someone with whom your time is well and enjoyably spent not just now, but for the next new year.

Best regards,

M

from: [redacted]@yahoo.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 6:05 PM
subject: Makes two of us...

What we might call ironic: I was sent this email today as a borderline joke from a friend of mine that said “sounds like you”.

I can relate to this email on so many levels it’s a little disconcerting, or serendipitous (depends on how you spin it). I too am spending my first Christmas alone in NYC… found myself walking out of work last night thinking the same things that crossed your mind. There is nothing like little sparkling Christmas lights, shopping for presents, and the introduction of cold make-you-want-to-stay-inside-weather to remind you of what you are missing – experiencing it all alone. Not alone alone (obviously I am assuming you too have friends) but ALONE enough to feel there’s something missing; missing from that holistic experience my libra-self struggles to maintain.

I’d be more than melodramatic if I acted like I am walking around the streets of Manhattan miserable or that I am silently bitter with how I am living my life. I am very happy by most people’s standards, even my own.

I truly and whole heartedly believe that if you are lucky to achieve any kind of real relativity in life, it is impossible for people such as you and I not to be happy and somewhat optimistic. After all, what is that bad? We clearly have our health, good jobs, good people in our lives in different capacities… I really guess the only one thing I could ask for (and I feel selfish at times for even thinking this way) is maybe someone to share it with.

This email write back is half serious, half kidding. Serious because of the content. Kidding because I am not really obsessed with my astrological sign J

Wow, I guess I had more to say than I realized. Funny how that happens….
I wrote this for no other reason that to let you know you are NOT alone. There are at least two of us who think that way in this city. Good to know, GREAT to believe.
This tops the charts as one of the most random nonsensical things i've done..

and then hollywood came calling in the form of a VP of development from a major studio that shall remain nameless looking for the next great american love story to bring to the screen...

from: [redacted]@[redacted].com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 1:30 AM
subject: The weather outside is frightful

But your new condo is so delightful!

Dear Baby’s Arm Man,

That is the most hilarious break up note I think I’ve ever heard of, other than someone getting dumped by their fiance switching their myspace page to "single" and refusing to call them back.

You have right to be angry. The bonus is measly by Goldman Sachs standards, which is as we all know, the best investment bank in the business.

Anyhow, I’m incredibly curious as to what you did to deserve being "done" with and where this all ends up.

We all know there’s much more meaning in a cool mil, but I’m sure you’ll find something to do with your three quarters, and if you ever decide to find a spark in your life by writing a script or pitching me an idea based on this fantastic escapade, let me know. Could be fun.

My suggestion would be to require full body and close up pictures from people who reply. Seriously, what were you thinking? That's amature hour. If you want to get back at her, try and date her rival at work just to torment her and entertain yourself.

Anyhow, I’m rooting for you. Happy holidays and hopefully a happier 2008.

PS – everyone knows wrestlers have ringworm – you might want to take poetic license and go for football or baseball even – I hear those tall guys are hung. :) I do however love love love your line, “I don’t even care if you’re jewish or some other religion” - that is priceless!

out of all of these, the one that was the most cringe-worthy was this one, which came from someone that i know, an ex of a good buddy of mine...

from: [redacted]@yahoo.com>
to: pers-513328535@craigslist.org,
date: Dec 19, 2007 3:02 PM
subject: I'm the girl you've been waiting for!

I just read your ad in craigslist and I think I fit the bill, so to speak. I too am single over this holiday season and would love to find someone to play with!

As it happens, I will be in town over the holiday, as I am a short-term consultant and can't afford to go away, since I am likely to be unemployed fairly soon. This employment situation is due to a lousy job market in the saving-the-world department, to which I belong (human rights) and not some lethargy on my part. I am intelligent, having recently finished my Masters degree in international relations, so I can converse on a wide variety of topics, ranging from political affairs to art, literature, movies, pop culture and of course, shopping.

I am indeed Jewish, but see that as no impediment to enjoying this festive time of year, especially as my enjoyment is derived from others enjoyment.

I have been told I am very cute and my personality is energetic and bubbly, which fits my second job as an aerobics instructor, so I shall respond warmly to your generosity with lots of oohhhs and aahhhs! If you're as charming as you seem, I may also respond as warmly to certain parts of your anatomy.

Lets get together and see if we can fire up the lights on that big fir tree!

JC

and with that i'll close. below are links to some of the sites that have written about the ad that i have been made aware of. if you're bored and curious, go through and read the comments on some of these, especially the jezebel post, which garnered close to 300 comments as of this writing. i left one towards the end of the chain. :) some of the debate that this thing inspired is interesting and funny. and if you happen to run across anything written about this not linked to below, please email me at cajunboyinthecity@gmail.com. i'll update this post with new links if they come.

from jezebel.com...crap post from a banker

from gothamist...read it and weep: the goldman sachs bonuses

from dealbreaker.com...writeoffs 12.18.07

from traderdaily.com

from curbed.com...bonus bouncing

UPDATE: i emailed the editors/writers of the above pieces to let them know that they'd been had. bess levin and john carney at dealbreaker were great sports about it, even linking back to me here...

the ladies love fake goldman trader

and curbed updated bonus bouncing

moe tkacik from jezebel.com wrote back saying "Yeah, actually, fuck you" after feeling understandably duped but emailed back later to apologize. i in turn apologized for duping her and we then shared a big, gay virtual hug via email so all is well in the world.

finally, before i post a couple of news items of interest, a note to the regular readers of this blog. i continue to be flattered endlessly that you find this site worthy of spending a few minutes of your valuable time on each day. i'm going to lay low for the next couple of weeks. gonna relax a bit, read a bunch, sleep powerfully, and work on a couple of projects that i need to work on for the beginning of the new year, like my much anticipated theatrical masterpiece, abortion clinic: the musical. i might pop in and post something if i absolutely have to get something off of my chest, but chances are i'll be out until jan. 2nd. in the meantime, feel free to browse the archives or visit some of the blogs and websites on my blogroll. i hope that all of your holiday seasons are all that you hope for them to be. and more.


joe francis behind bars, still a massive bag of douche

the times ran a piece on imprisoned girls gone wild mastermind joe francis over the weekend...

THE multimillionaire creator of “Girls Gone Wild” sits in a jail visiting room here, wearing a uniform of orange shirt and gray pants and looking pale but rested from eight months of incarceration. He talks to a visitor through glass, often yelling, sometimes tapping on the glass with his index finger for emphasis, railing into a handset against “evil” and “vengeful” government officials and vowing to sue them all.

“Enough is enough,” he spits out. “I am not a criminal.”

Joe Francis, 34, has long been a polarizing figure, having made his riches enticing young women at Spring Break locations (many of them drunk) to bare their breasts for the cameras for his popular videos. He has not been scoring brownie points by calling local officials in Florida — where Spring Break 2003 in Panama City Beach went terribly wrong for him — “Nazis” and “cockroaches.”

But, stuck in jail in Reno, Mr. Francis is now desperately trying to drum up public sympathy, if not win release, to expose how unfairly he believes authorities have treated him. For the last two and a half months, he has taken out ads, sent out news releases, appeared on dozens of radio and TV talk shows and used a Web site, www.meetjoefrancis.com, to relate his convoluted story while his lawyers file motions charging prosecutorial misconduct and ask for investigations.

read the whole piece here...

gone wild and gone all wrong

on the subject of joe francis, i've posted this before but it's certainly worth posting again...this piece on francis from the LA times last year in which francis comes on hard to the reporter writing the piece on him and basically rapes a young girl on his girls gone wild bus.

baby give me a kiss


new orleans continues to assume the position

a rather sobering article from yesterday's ny times by adam nossiter, which continues to do great work on reporting the injustices still being perpetrated upon the post-katrina gulf coast...

With resignation, anger or stoicism, thousands of former New Orleanians forced out by Hurricane Katrina are settling in across the Gulf Coast, breaking their ties with the damaged city for which they still yearn.

They now cast their votes in small Louisiana towns and in big cities of neighboring states. They have found new jobs and bought new houses. They have forsaken their favorite foods and cherished pastors. But they do not for a moment miss the crime, the chaos and the bad memories they left behind in New Orleans.

This vast diaspora — largely black, often poor, sometimes struggling — stretches across the country but is concentrated in cities near the coast, like this one, or Atlanta or Baton Rouge or Houston, places where the newcomers are still reaching for accommodation.

The break came fairly recently. Sometime between the New Orleans mayor’s race in spring 2006, when thousands of displaced citizens voted absentee or drove in to cast a ballot, and the city election this fall, when thousands did not — resulting in a sharply diminished electorate and a white-majority City Council — the decision was made: there was no going back. Life in New Orleans was over.

with regrets, new orleans is left behind

speaking of new orleans, brad pitt was the guest on the charlie rose show on monday night. he spoke at length about the city, his love for it, and what he's doing to try to help people still suffering down there...




where in the world is nick saban today?

just when you thought that new arkansas coach bobby petrino was the biggest vagabond/guttersnipe in all of sports, former LSU head coach and current alabama head coach nick saban is rumored to be interested in the head coaching vacancy at west virginia. according to this internet report, his agent recently contacted officials within the athletic department at WVU to inquire about the vacancy.

Sources close to University President Mike Garrison have informed WBGV that Nick Saban’s agent has contacted WVU regarding our vacant head-coaching position. These sources tell us that Saban is extremely unhappy in Tuscaloosa and has failed to recapture the situation he had in Baton Rouge with LSU.

saban is like that angst-ridden bad boy that every girl thinks that she can tame but always wind up getting their little porcelain hearts broken in the end. pity alabama, if bowl game placement(alabama's stellar 6-6 record landed them in the independence bowl) is any measurement for intensity of orgasm, the sex with saban wasn't even that good.

read the full story here...

saban's agent contacts west virginia


"love will tear us apart" by joy division

i've always wanted to write a tv show or film and have this song playing during the closing credits. and since, barring anything unexpected, this is my last post for 2007, i present it here as music for the dropping of the curtain...



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