liev schreiber's revenge is a sandwich best served cold

there are certain people who, continuously over the course of our lives, we have an uncanny connection to. they are often people that we don't know personally but are connected to in a weird six degrees of separation sort of way. they will pop into our lives when we least expect it via a mutual friend or random encounter. they might even cockblock you when you least expect it.

one such person for me is liev schreiber.



my connection to liev began to materialize sometime in 2003, not counting the fact that his current baby-mama naomi watts was the object of my masturbatory eye for roughly six months after seeing mulholland drive in the fall of 2001, when i met a woman in an upper east side bar. it was a monday night, that much i remember, because a monday night football game was playing on the television in the bar. she was drinking alone, i forget which one of us initially approached the other, but we wound up striking up a conversation. at this point in time i was a new yorker for just over a year, as evident by the fact that i was in an upper east side bar on a monday night, and she was barraging me with questions about my life growing up in louisiana as well as what my future goals were and what drove me to move to new york in the first place. at some point in the conversation i mentioned to her that i had done some voice work back home and was hoping to break into that business in new york.

"oh really...my ex does a lot of voice-over work," she said.

"no way!"

"yeah, he narrates a lot of HBO documentaries."

"oh cool."

i hadn't yet put together who it was that she was referring to. hell, i don't even think that i knew at the time that liev schreiber was the voice of most of the documentary work that HBO did. regardless, after a few drinks she invited me back to her apartment. when we arrived she went to the bathroom to freshen up and i browsed around in her living area. i noticed that there was a framed picture of her and liev together on a bookcase. it was at this point that i began to put two and two together.

"was the ex that you referred to earlier who did the voice work for HBO liev schreiber by chance?"

"yes."

and so it was. i just so happened a great admirer of schreiber's work then, as i continue to be, and i'll admit to having been overcome with dueling senses of giddiness and intimidation that i was potentially about to sleep with his ex-girlfriend, or so she claimed. for all i know she could have been some whack job or merely someone that he used to fuck regularly. who knows?

still, there was a silly successful conquest male ego thing that i was at times overcome with the next morning after i left her apartment.

"i just slept with liev schreiber's ex-girlfriend!"

i'm not exactly proud to admit it, but i probably wore the biggest shit-eating grin across my face the entire day. i had just indulged in the sloppy seconds of one of my acting idols. i was a shamefully proud man.

but liev would have the last laugh.

fast forward to the spring of 2005. i was living downtown on mercer st. at the time. liev was, and still is to my knowledge, living in a building a couple of blocks to the east of me. i would see him everywhere, all of the time.

at the deli.

at the bank getting cash from the ATM.

on the subway.

everywhere.

i'm pretty sure that he knew my face after a while though he never acknowledged the recognition, nor did i bother to ever strike up a conversation, but secretly down below i would say to myself, "haha i banged your ex-girlfriend!"

one night during this time i headed up to west chelsea for a friend's birthday party. the birthday honoree was one of the bigger names in the new york club scene, thus i knew that his party was sure to be populated with statuesque lovelies, which just so happened to be the favorite prey of the libidinously ravenous beast that i was at the time (compared to the practitioner of celibacy that i am currently...yeah, i tend to embrace the extremes).

so anyway there i was at bungalow 8 of all places and i see this girl and am immediately smitten. i remember thinking at the time that she was possibly one of the more beautiful women i'd ever laid eyes upon, which naturally led to my yearning to lay more than my eyes upon her, so i asked my friend, the birthday boy, to introduce us and so he did. we began chatting and flirting heavily. i was, frankly, quite taken by her. she was much brighter than most of the dim bulbs that usually populate bungalow 8 and we had much in common. within 5 minutes of our meeting, she whipped out her phone to take my number and, in turn, i took hers.

"we HAVE to hang out!"

"absolutely!"

it was on.

for the next hour or so we continued to lose ourselves in flirty conversation. she took her camera out of her purse and proceeded to ask her friends to take numerous pictures of the two of us. i did take notice at some point of the fact that she made frequent trips to the john, each time returning even happier and more touchy-feely than she was prior. whatever, i was lubed up on booze pretty well by this point and was feeling pretty carefree. on one of her frequent trips to the john, my friend who introduced us came over and whispered something in my ear.

"[name redacted] is so into you."

whatever. he just confirmed what i already knew. this one was in the bag. i began to plot how i should best proceed. i actually felt myself really liking and respecting this one. would asking her to come home with me ruin the whole thing by making me appear to be just another dude trying to get into her pants?

as i stood off by myself plotting my next move, it occurred to me that she was taking longer than usual to come back to me. it had been about 10 minutes at this point. 10 minutes then turned into 20 minutes.

"have you seen [name redacted]," i went around the room asking.

20 minutes turned into 30. i sent her a text message saying something along the lines of, "where did you go...are you ok?"

no response.

at some point i went outside and placed a call to her phone. no answer. the call went straight to voicemail.

though i was actually kind of concerned about her, her "friends" seemed completely indifferent to her vanishing. they were too consumed with their own partying to give a shit. i waited around a bit longer in the hopes that she would turn up, but she never did.

finally, i jumped in a cab and headed home. before entering my apartment, i decided to pop into hans' deli at the corner of bleecker and broadway, arguably the best 24 hour deli in nyc by the way, to grab a snack and a beverage. when i walked through the doors of the deli to enter, i saw her.

"oh my god...cajun boy...what are you doing here?!"

her face bore a look of utter horror.

"i live around the corner...what are you doing here?!"

"well...i ran into this guy at bungalow and now we're going back to his place."

it was then that i saw over her shoulder walking towards us from the rear of the deli, coming from the pre-wrapped sandwich aisle, was liev fucking schrieber.

"cajun boy this is liev, liev this is cajun boy," she introduced us politely.

inside i was both shocked silly while simultaneously laughing my ass off at the irony of all this.

"you look kind of familiar," said liev.

"yeah, i live around the corner. we pass each other often on the street."

"oh cool. well...nice to meet you."

liev then placed his purchase, a sandwich, an egg salad sandwich, on the counter to be rung up by the asian cashier. immediately i became revoltingly intrigued by his choice of pre-fuck sandwich option.

"he's gonna eat an egg salad sandwich before he bangs her?!"

this was something that, in my mind, constituted the ultimate sign of disrespect to a potential romp partner. even if he eats the sandwich post-coitus, there's still something inherently repugnant about it. i viewed this not as an indictment of liev, but rather as an indictment of the girl for him to show her such little respect in his choice of sandwich. wouldn't a chicken club be more appropriate? pastrami on rye perhaps?

and so it was. liev enacted his revenge unknowingly upon me. i erased her number from my phone when i got back to my apartment. no way was i eating this plate of liev scheiber leftovers! egg salad...NO THANKS!

liev seems to have moved on and is doing quite well for himself. as for the girl, i ran into her again at another party about 6 months ago. she was with a group of girlfriends at the time and looked almost as horrified to see me then as she had at 4am in hans' deli that time in the spring of '05. i didn't help soothe matters when i walked up to her and her friends and inquired quite loudly...

"eat any egg salad sandwiches with liev schreiber lately?"


greatest. prank. ever.

if you haven't seen this yet, and there's a chance that you have because it's spreading across the net like wildfire right now, you have to stop everything you're doing and watch it now. it is, without question, the greatest prank i've ever seen. it certainly puts to shame the time that i used a syringe to inject my college suite mate's acne medication with tabasco sauce.

here's the gist...dude and his girlfriend go to a yankee game. unbeknownst to him, one of his buddies has arranged so that a fake marriage proposal from him to his girlfriend flashes across the jumbotron between the top and bottom of the 5th inning. hilarity then ensues. and the boys over at college humor caught it all on tape.