karl rove discusses a possible career change with "mystery"

an imagined conversation between "mystery" of vh-1s "the pick-up artist" and karl rove...

mystery: so...tell me karl. why are you here today?

karl: well, i gotta be honest with you mystery. i feel kinda empty inside.

mystery: why do you feel that way karl?

karl: something's missing. i've committed my whole life to my career and i've neglected me all the while. i'm ready to focus on me again.

mystery: and what is it exactly that you do karl?

karl: i change constitutions.

mystery: ah, i see. tell me more karl.(he adjusts his ridiculously douchey furry hat.)

karl: i just don't feel that i've conquered all that there is to conquer in this life. i mean, don't get me wrong, i've toppled governments and destroyed people's lives and generally run roughshod over the constitution for 6 1/2 years, but there's another frontier that i'd like to explore and conquer...the vagina.

mystery: i understand karl. you yearn to eat cheese with beautiful women don't you?

karl: among other things, yes. fact of the matter is mystery is that there are many women that i've attempted to ruin. valerie plame, judith miller, hillary clinton, just to name a few. but the only reason that i've done so is out of spite and jealously. you see mystery, it's all because i secretly harbor fantasies of eating the corn out of their assholes, but i know that i can't. those bitches would never give me the time of day.

mystery: i think that i can help you in that realm karl.

karl: (voice quivering, begins to cry) thank you.

mystery: now karl, i'm going to give you very specific advice as to what i think that you should do but you're going to have to commit to doing what i tell you to do. are you ready to make that commitment karl?

karl: (reaching for the declaration of independence, wipes tears and blows nose with it) yes mystery. i'll do whatever you tell me to do.

mystery: well first off, you've gotta lose some weight karl. what does your diet currently consist of?

karl: puppy blood.

mystery: puppy blood?!

karl: yes.

mystery: how often do you have puppy blood karl?

karl: all the time. the white house staff serves it to me for breakfast, lunch and dinner. it's shipped directly from michael vick's kennel in virginia. dick cheney got me hooked on the stuff.

mystery: i see. i had no idea that a strict diet of puppy blood could cause such pasty doughiness. well, anyway karl, i see some potential here. i've seen that video of you doing that "mc rove" thing at the white house correspondence dinner and i think that we've got some good raw material to work with here. i'm thinking that we should roll with the hip-hop theme for your wardrobe make-over. maybe some marc echo sweats. some adidas kicks. big clocks worn around the neck seem to be back in again. and a big stupid hat that screams douchequake of course. but i think that we're well on our way here karl.

karl: so you're saying that you think that maureen dowd will want to gargle my balls after i graduate from the program?

mystery: well i don't know about that karl. i hear that some blogger stud they call the cajun boy has his sights set on her. maybe you should aim lower. gail collins or nora ephron perhaps?

karl: a boy can always dream, can't he? i just wanna be a master pick up artist like you mystery! that's all i want.

mystery: you're already just about as big of a titanic load of douche as i am karl. i think that you're well on your way.


is it just me or does this look entirely uncomfortable?

a reader named jess emailed me this last night. i have no idea what the thinking was that went into this, but it's obviously some sort of seat that's designed to fit a man's cock and balls. i'll take a cushioned chair any day, thank you.




clowns are people too dangit!

when i was growing up there was a girl that i went to school with who was terrified of clowns. however, i don't recall it being anything on the level of the woman below who was profiled in a national geographic special about phobias. check out her reaction when "mr. wiggles", a hideously inapropiate name, ever for a fucking clown, walks into the room.

i can only imagine how'd she'd react if they had showed her some clown porn.