friday bloody friday

over the last few hours i've been playing this little game with myself. i've been trying to think of what would possibly be the most horrific bodily malfunction that could spontaneously befall an otherwise healthy young man, or any man for that matter, in a public place for all the world to see.

one such thing that sprung to mind would have to be shitting one's pants live on stage in front of a packed theater or arena. it's a fear that i've personally held, deep down where the body meets the soul.

pretty fucking horrific, no? imagine yourself performing a concert or some sort of theater production and all of a sudden you begin to feel a thunder down under. shortly thereafter what feels like 10,000 lbs. of pressure begins to assault the area of the anus.

what to do?

you can't just walk off the stage, can you? well, i guess you can but at what point do you make that decision? the buildup to that has got to be a fucking bitch. i can't even imagine.

i don't know of anyone personally that this has happened to, at least no one who's open about telling such a story, but i know that it's had to have happened many times. i remember seeing mark mcgrath of the band sugar ray on the tonight show when he told a story of crapping his pants during a live concert in a packed arena. he walked backwards off of the stage so that the crowd wouldn't notice. i give him a gold star for that one.

but the thing about pants shitting is that it can be easily explained. the cause of such a tragedy can be any number of things, anything from drinking the water in peru to a virus to a bad tuna roll. something like this, though enormously humbling and humiliating, is not something that would necessarily strike the fear of god within a man immediately.

but you know what would? spontaneously bleeding profusely from the area of the genitals while walking down a crowded street, that's what. do you know how i know that?

because it fucking happened to me yesterday, that's how!

i was walking down the street, in the midst of a particularly harried day, when at some point i felt a distinct feeling of extreme moisture down there. now yesterday was hot and humid as all hell, thus the area in and around my cock and balls was already feeling like something resembling the mekong delta.

but this was different.

i looked down and i could see that the army green cargo pants that i was wearing were littered with moisture spots in the area of my crotch.

"jesus christ why are my balls sweating like patrick ewing at the free throw line?"

i didn't know what the hell was going on but i just kept walking, i didn't really have time to stop and pop into a cool place to let things dry up a bit, but i was highly conscious of what people passing me on the street must have been thinking as they crossed my path.

"man that dude's nuts are really sweating!"

as i walked another block or so i could feel that the problem was getting worse. i could actually feel droplets of something running down my leg.

"what the fuck?!"

at this point i was really curious and a bit concerned as to what the hell was going on down there but i didn't know what to do. i looked around but couldn't see anything within my immediate vicinity that would have a public bathroom that i could go in and check myself. meanwhile, the mysterious moisture buildup continued at an alarmingly rapid pace.

finally i stopped on the side of a newsstand. i pulled the front of my pants forward and looked down.

too dark to see anything. i was going to have to send a diver down to check things out. so i took a look around to see if anyone was looking and finally just reached by hands down into my pants and did a quick graze of the area. when i pulled my hand back up out of my pants it was red, covered in blood.

even on my most eloquent day, a day of unparalleled verbal excellence, i could never begin to accurately describe the utter horror that went rushing through my mind over the next few minutes. i stood there and immediately began to initiate a cerebral rollcall of every girl that i had slept with in the last year or so.

"WHO THE FUCK DID THIS TO ME?!?!"

the thought then hit me that hundreds of people were walking by me and there i was in plain view with the area of my pants around my crotch soaked while one of my hands was covered in blood. i can only imagine what i would have thought had i seen such a thing myself. sadly, being the sick fuck that i am, i probably would have laughed.

thinking on my feet, i turned to the newsstand that i was cowering behind and grabbed a newspaper so that i could hold it in front of the affected area to hide the shame of my hemorrhaging package. i stood there at the corner trying to hail a cab for what felt like an eternity and then i realized that i had no fucking idea where to go! do i go home or should i go to the hospital? in the end i just couldn't imagine walking into the emergency room bleeding from the twig and berries.

when i finally made it home and was able to pull off my pants i came to realization of what the cause of the bleeding was and was able to breathe in a deep sigh of relief. as stated emphatically in an entry back in april, i'm a proponent of manscaping. in this entry i expressed my fondness especially of a freshly shorn scrotum.

"in my mind, having such whilst splayed out across the bed in a state of nakedness with the window cracked ever so slightly as a cool breeze emanates and traces the contours and crevices of the lower genital area is one of life's more often overlooked simple pleasures."

in the course of engaging in some manscape maintenance a few nights previously, i managed to nick myself pretty good at the base of my boy and his two friends. at the time the bleeding stopped within the course of a few minutes and never reoccurred, so i had actually forgotten about it completely. i must have reopened the wound while performing an adjustment or by scratching an itch or something. whatever, it was arguably the single most traumatic moment of a life filled with traumatic moments.

i guess that now i can sort of relate to what most women go through at those points of their lives when that time of the months springs unexpectedly. regardless, i'm not taking any chances today and am walking around with a bandage on my ballsack.

try to keep yourself calm ladies.



mother nature is a cruel, cruel bitch

let me preface this by saying that i over the course of my life, i have watched a lot of nature shows. never, have i seen anything like this.

an adult male and female buffalo are strolling along leisurely with a young buffalo, presumably their offspring. a pack of hungry lions lays in wait. the lions attack and run down the baby buffalo near the edge of a river. as the lions attempt to pull the young buffalo from the area of the water, a crocodile jumps out and decides that it wants the buffalo for lunch. and then, just when you think it can't get any more nuts, mom and dad buffalo return with about 100 other buffalo reinforcements to try to save the young buffalo. and all the while a group on safari was videotaping the whole thing.

riveting!


via the sherman foundation


worst. mascot. name. ever.

on Wednesday the pittsburgh steelers unveiled a mascot. the steelers have never had an official mascot in the long, storied history of the franchise. to commemorate the occasion, the steelers held a contest in which fans of the team could submit potential names. a reported 70,000 entries were received and carefully considered by team management.

ladies and gentlemen meet...STEELY MCBEAM?!



if steely mcbeam was the best out of all the entries that they received, i can't even begin to imagine how horrendously shitteous the other 69,999 entries must have been. steely mcbeam sounds like the name of a gay porn actor. pittsburgh must be woefully lacking creative minds amongst it's citizenry.

looking on the bright side, the steelers will probably increase their gay male fan base because of this. i mean, just look at ole steely...he is definitely a bear. i'd imagine that if ole steely mcbeam were to actually work in a steel mill, it would probably be this one...


via collegegameballs



hmmm...where have i seen this before?

yesterday the smoking gun reported on a humorous byproduct of the huge marketing blitz for the bourne ultimatum was that a huge poster for the film was placed in the facade of matt damon's nyc apartment building. here's the story...

the smoking gun

boy, that sure does look familiar. i seem to recall someone else who noticed this back on july 20th and snapped a picture with his camera phone of it...

the cajun boy

i'm just saying...


boinkolgy.com

check out this new site of my buddy richard blakeley and a girl named lux nightmare. it's kind of a gawker/fleshbot hybrid. it's called "boinkology.com" and it's a site about, well, boinking.


caution, you're about to enter the no-sense zone

i can think of no better way to close out a week than to present to you yet another dancing guido vid. this twatwaffle looks as though he's consumed an equine dose of ecstasy as he does the jersey jitterbug around the parking lot of a long john silver's.


via guidofistpump.com(another fighter for all that is righteous and good.)

have a great weekend!