Ignatius J. Reilly's letter to David Vitter

Occasionally there occurs an event that causes me to ponder, "I wonder what Ignatius J. Reilly would have to say about this?" For benefit of the unaware, Ignatius J. Reilly is the protagonist of John Kennedy Toole's literary masterpiece set in New Orleans, A Confederacy of Dunces, a work that I have stated my undying adoration for previously in this forum. The prostitution scandal involving family values conservative Senator David Vitter of Louisiana is such a time.

Would Ignatius be repulsed by the actions of Senator Vitter? Or would he embrace the Senator's vices as a boon to his own "Crusade for Moorish Dignity?" With the passage of time over the course of the last few days these questions have continued to fester within my brain.

So this afternoon I took a few minutes and did my best to channel the ghost of John Kennedy Toole in the hopes of reaching Ignatius. What follows is what poured out of me, the transcription of a brief letter (Ignatius is known for his scathing letters to those guilty of effrontery against him and humanity at large) directed towards Senator Vitter.

My only hope is that Toole isn't doing the proverbial rollover in his grave right now...

Dear Senator Vitter,

Normally I find myself too engrossed with the noble duty of washing off the various ghastly secretions that popular culture spews across the face of humanity to waste one precious second of my time dealing with sub-humans such as politicians, but it has come to my attention that Fortuna , the miserable curmudgeonly high slut that she is, has spun your wheel and that it has come to rest at a rather unfortunate and somewhat sticky slot; public shaming by revelation of carnal indecencies. I feel as though it is my duty to correspond with you at once.

I must begin by stating that all of this filth surprises me not. Any person who whores himself to the unwashed masses in the desperate hope that they may then pull themselves away momentarily from the degeneracy being beamed into their flea-ridden homes by electronic charlatans such as Oprah or Maury and then pile themselves into their carnage carriages to travel to some shoddy junior high gymnasium or VFW hall to pull a germ-infested lever with their grease-stained finger and cast a meaningless vote is no doubt he himself someone who patronizes whores of the flesh.

It also surprises me not that such a hooker-loving ballot hustler should hail from the greater New Orleans area, indeed my blessed home and sanctuary from the horrors of the world outside of its boundaries, but still a municipality renowned for offering refuge to every vice, perversion and degenerate known to man, as well as those yet to be discovered I'm sure. I suspect that at this very moment at some downtrodden pay by the hour roadhouse deep within the bowels of the city sits a harlot whose withered privates, a virtual breeding ground of societal disease, awaits your crabbed member. I'm sure that in addition to the arsenal of prophylactics that she normally carries upon her person in the course of doing business, she has stocked her handbag with diapers in advance in the event that you should feel compelled to defecate into one for her, as has been the pervasive rumor on the street in and around the area of the Quarter.

It has been suggested previously that powerful men come equipped with powerful sexual appetites and that fault for your downfall, as well as countless other deviants, falls at the feet of striving. May I suggest then that you read the works of Boethius, for doing so will show you that striving is meaningless and that you are best to just accept the fate of your wretched life.

Yours in Anger,
Iggy


and for your further david vitter related entertainment, this just hit the net today. the david vitter song.

"wearin diapers ain't a sin, except for full-grown men"...