the 10 most common blogger stereotypes

in case you haven't noticed, i'm a wee bit fascinated by stereotypes. stereotypes have been the subject of much fodder here previously. stereotypes are taboo and a wee bit dangerous as conversational subject matter, thus the mocking and ridiculing of stereotypes is fun.

with that said, in the last few years i've voluntarily wasted away a significant portion of my existence reading blogs. i am now the author of my own blog (duh!), so i consider myself a bit of an authority on the subject. i've decided to use this knowledge in the most productive way possible by turning my rhetorical rifle scope inward and to take a few minutes to note some of the more common blogger stereotypes that i've noticed in my time exploring the blog world. here are a few of the more prevalent personal blog stereotypes that i've found.

i realize that i may lose a couple of friends by doing this...but fuck it.

the slutty broad blogger
this blogger has an insatiable appetite for the male phallus and just loves telling the world about it. i'm waiting for the day when a blogging software-savvy slutty broad blogger just doesn't go the extra mile and have a ms. pac-man type graphic that runs around the perimeter of her page perpetually gobbling up little cocks with a "wonka-wonka-wonka" sound effect running the entire time.

not unexpectantly, the slutty broad blogger's blog is often in the upper echelon of the more heavily trafficked blogs because, as the old adage goes, sex sells. everyone loves to read the slutty broad blogger because sex is a subject of such overwhelming fascination and a girl who is so overtly sexually liberated is somewhat taboo.

perhaps the most amusing aspect of this particular type of blog are the impassioned comments, which range from the enthusiastically supportive, "you go girl!", to venom-spewing hatred, "you fucking whore!" either way, love her or hate her, the readers of slutty broad blog keep coming back for more.

i have to admit, if i were a chick, i'd probably be an unabashed slutty broad blogger because i'd be the biggest, nastiest cum-slut in the history of big, nasty cum-sluts.

the apologetic blogger
roughly 50% of this blogger's postings consist of him or her issuing apologies for not posting more often. this is a blogger that probably posted regularly at one point only to have real life suddenly get in the way, forcing the apologetic blogger to bump blogging downward considerably on their list of life's priorities.

here is a typical posting on the apologetic blogger's site...

"i'm so sorry ya'll but the asian girl at the spa ripped off my labia minora when i went to get my lady-flower waxed and then my dog bella got diagnosed with canine crohn's disease and has been shitting all over my apartment and my boss is a big fat dick for making me file TPS reports for 18 hours a day."

whatever.

a word of advice to the apologetic blogger...FUCK THE READER! seriously, as long as they are not paying subscribers (and really, who are we kidding here?) you owe them NOTHING! be like the asshole you dated who was completely inconsistent with when they'd call you to hang out. doing so gets inside of their head. a sense of mystery will swirl around you and they'll begin to miss you and clamor for you.

if anything, post something along the lines of this when life gets in the way of blogging...

"i'm off to thailand for 2 weeks to bang some teenage hookers. catch you guys on the flippity-flip!

the crazy cat blogger
the blog content of the crazy cat blogger consists mostly of pictures of the blogger's cat doing silly things such as lounging in a fruit bowl on the kitchen table or licking it's asshole. for some reason this is considered compelling by both the author and the reader. i'll admit that i occasionally check the content of a couple of crazy cat bloggers and always come away wondering, "does this make me gay?"

the fish out of water blogger
this blogger blogs about his or her life in an environment that they are unaccustomed to. "a jew joins the taliban" would be an example of such (i'd totally read that blog!). the central recurring theme of this blog is that the blogger is someone who finds themselves in some place that is somewhat atypical. if i were forced to place my blog in any category of stereotype, this would probably be the one that fits most like a glove, with maybe a dash of slutty broad blogger mixed in. without the cock-gobbling of course.

the desperately seeking someone, ANYONE to love them blogger
this blogger is usually young and female. she just wants a man ya'll. is that too much to ask? preferably someone who has lots of money to buy her designer shoes and expensive dinners and to jet her off to exotic locales and to respect her for her mind all the while.

since there are exceptions to every rule, occasionally a male version of the
desperately seeking someone, ANYONE to love them blogger will pop up. such men are generally walking scrote. some people consider eric schaeffer to be an example of such.

the nothing blogger
the content on this blog is generally sporadic and consists often of a single sentence, ranging from the riveting, "i just pooped...hehe," to the mundane, "fruit loops are yummy:)!" for the life of me i can't seem to comprehend why this particular blogger wastes the 30 seconds of their life required to post such things, 30 seconds better spent actually pooping, eating fruit loops, or perhaps doing both simultaneously.

the scary sports fan blogger
the scary sports fan blogger is a REALLY big fan of a particular sports team. this blogger, and i speak from the perspective of a sports fan here, is without question the one blogger type that i'd LEAST like to be locked in a closet with for 24 hours. frankly, they kinda creep me the fuck out.

the celebrity obsessed blogger
c'mon, let's face it, we live in a celebrity obsessed culture. where did we go so whack that we have stories of american soldiers being evaporated by car bombs interrupted for stories of paris fucking hilton's release from the clank (that actually happened by the way...on CNN...i saw it.)? so it only stands to reason that celebrity obsessed blogs would proliferate. i myself read a couple with regularity. the authors of such blogs are often gay men or a gaggle of catty females. or both.

not that there's anything wrong with that.


the hopelessly locked into suburban coupledom blogger
filled with subject matter such as diaper changing, gas prices for their SUV going through the roof, insane in-laws and lacking sex, the hopelessly locked into suburban coupledom blogger serves to sooth the tormented souls of readers who find themselves in similar situations by saying to them, "yes, there actually are people out there who are just as miserable as you are."

this blogger also provides a valuable service to a readership of single people who read such blogs to occasionally remind themselves of why they should never get married under any circumstances.

the chicken little blogger
this blogger is just shitteous. "woe is me, the sky is falling" is the consistent theme. falling apart. searching desperately for answers. ALL THE TIME! this blogger's blog acts as a pseudo-therapist for it allows them to purge their soul onto the masses and this somehow makes them feel better. the "chicken little" blogger has often been recently dumped by a lover, hopelessly stuck in a job that they hate, is riddled with irrational anxieties such as getting eaten alive by a shark should they should go to the beach, or all of the above.

life is always fucking this blogger in the ass. hard. and deep. sans lubrication. funny thing is that it's this blogger's perpetual pessimism that keeps them from getting out of this position. effectively they just willingly allow life to swoop in to their route 2 and plow away.

so there you have it. if you're someone with a blog, which blogger stereotype are you? be honest with yourself. look deep down, where the body meets the soul. the answer is there waiting for you.

upon further reflection, i'm probably a bit of all of them at different times. does that make me the identity crisis blogger?