extreme craigslist "missed connections," guido edition

i suppose that i should start by regaling you with the story of my first experience with the guido in it's native habitat, a dance club in jersey city called sandbar. it was friday, august 15th 2003. i remember the date distinctly not only because of the dark shadow that it cast upon my soul, but also because it was the 2nd day of the great northeastern blackout of 2003, which is why i was in jersey in the first place.

the day before was the day that the power went out and that thursday night was a brutal one. it was ridiculously hot and sleeping without a fan or air conditioning was way below average. i must have sweat out about 5 pounds that night. it was just shitty.

i woke up early that friday morning and decided that i HAD to get out. i had to go somewhere, anywhere, i just had to get out of the hades that my apartment had become. so i walked about 80 blocks from my apartment on the lower east side to central park where i met up with my friend jeff. jeff and i hung out in the park for a while until we decided to go scavenge around for a cold beverage. along the way we stumbled across an unoccupied payphone, which was rare on this day because no one had charged cell phones. jeff was able to get in touch with his girlfriend, lil dog, who lived in jersey at the time. lil dog said that the power had been restored at her apartment, which was right across the hudson river from manhattan. lil dog said that reports on television were saying that power in manhattan might not be restored until the next day. annoyed and frustrated over the prospect of possibly having to suffer through another night without power, we decided to migrate over to jersey for the night to stay with lil dog.

so jeff and i walked to the west side where we hopped a ferry to picturesque northern jersey. we hung out with lil' dog and assimilated quite well into the local culture, which despite being separated from manhattan by nothing but a mile-wide or so river, is a universe away from our lives in manhattan.

the jersey excursion was actually fun and kinda like a mini-vacation. getting out of the city itself for a day or two can often have a therapeutic effect and under the current circumstances we were more than happy to be where we were. lil dog drove us around and we hit 7-11 and target and even grabbed dinner at an outback steakhouse.

it was all so fantastically fine.

after throwing down on some alice springs chicken and a blooming onion at outback, we went back to lil dog's apartment where we discussed possibilities for evening entertainment. then, exhibiting a level of enthusiasm that must be akin to that of a scientist upon recognition of a groundbreaking discovery, lil dog was struck with a genius idea.

"oh my god i HAVE to take you guys to sandbar. it's a total guido shitshow!"

both of us hailing originally from south louisiana and having recently moved to new york, jeff and i were unfamiliar with sandbar and were only vaguely familiar with the guido, so we were painfully unaware that sandbar is to the guido what the ocean is to the shark.

i was never the same after that night. lil' dog was right by terming it a shitshow. i had never seen anything like it nor do i think i ever will again. i could write a novella on those scant 3 hours or so that we spent there. spiked hair and overly tanned skin reigned supreme. as the night wore on a couple of fights broke out, including one between two girls.

that's about the time we decided to check out of the joint. i can remember leaving and being able to see the skyline of lower manhattan from the sandbar parking lot and thinking how though i felt i could almost reach out and touch downtown new york city, i felt as though i was in another country, another world, another universe.

in the event you're unfamiliar with the guido, click here for one of my previous entries, "the guido, anthropological enigma of the modern era, explained."

with that all said, here's my original "missed connection" post that i posted on both the nyc and north jersey craigslist sites posing as a guidette who missed connecting with a "hot boy" at sandbar saturday night.


HOT guido boy at Sandbar last weekend
Reply to: pers-332353412@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-05-16, 6:30PM EDT


jesus christ i can't stop thinking about you! i know i've seen you there before and maybe even on njguido.com, but DAMN you was looking fine last weekend!!!!!!!!!!!! i kept waiting for you to come over and say hi to me...I SAW YOU LOOKING...but you seemed to be so down on hanging with all your boyz. maybe i scared you with my cuteness...HEHE...it wouldn't be the first time it happened!!!

;)

for the record, i am blond and was wearing a hot little black halter type top that exposed my spectacular rack and my torso so you could see my bellybutton piercing. i also had some tight daisy duke denim cutoff shorts and had some hot gold hoop earrings on. i was feeling so sexy but you never came over. WTF?!?!?!

and oh yeah, i was with my friend gina, who is a bit of a cow and wears clothes that are too tight for her if that helps any. she's such a skank that she probably scared you off cuz none of your boyz would wingman for you cuz none of them would want to dive on that grenade...hehehehe!!!

find me baby...



here are the responses. to their credit, a couple of the responders recognized what a cunt my fake guidette was. the others, sadly, did not.

BULLETIN...this first one came in after my initial posting of this blog on thurday afternoon at 6:18 this morning(friday). it so laden with douchebaggery, i just HAD to add it to the mix. even better, he included two pics of himself, one of which is of he posing for the camera with his cock in hand. oh how i want post them SOOOO badly! enjoy...


from: [redacted]@yahoo.com>
to: pers-332354413@craigslist.org
date: May 18, 2007 6:18 AM
subject: Impressed...

That was an awesome posting. It really was. That description paints you as an incredibly sexy and funny girl... the perfect combination! I am definitely not the guy from Sandbar, but what the hell! Let's be serious, the chances of him looking on there and finding you are slim to none... I have never even looked on there - to be honest, I didn't even know it existed. I am 30, 6'1, 215lbs, college educated and professionally employed... And I have enough free time this morning to look online at random postings... I never thought I'd respond to one, but I just have this feeling that you're actually a really hot girl. Not to mention, you're obviously funny... So, here it goes... I have now officially entered into the internet scene... ha, and it's 9am...



From: [redacted]@hotmail.com>
To: pers-332353412@craigslist.org
Date: Wed, 16 May 2007 10:08 PM
Subject: me

i was wearing a blue abercrombie polo collar flipped.
big arms nice ass tanned up


from: [redacted]@yahoo.com>
to: pers-332354413@craigslist.org
date: May 16, 2007 10:56 PM
subject: Maybe ....

You sound cute but ....
why are you hating on your friend.


from: [redacted]@aol.com>
to: pers-332354413@craigslist.org
date: May 16, 2007 9:19 PM
subject: Hot boy at Sandbar last weekend - w4m

"spectacular rack"? where do I sign up?


from: [redacted]@yahoo.com>
to: pers-332354412@craigslist.org
date: May 16, 2007 11:13 PM
subject: Sandbar sux

Y U hanngin with all thEM gweedos there ma when U should be on dis DIIIIIICCCCKKK!


from: [redacted]@mchep.com>
to: pers-332354412@craigslist.org
date: May 16, 2007 8:42 PM
subject: HOT boy at Sandbar last weekend! - w4m - 22

u sound jealous of gina
she brings all the boys 2 the yard
and u dont
dont hate!!!!hater


from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-332354413@craigslist.org
date: May 17, 2007 12:10 AM
subject: Hot boy at Sandbar last weekend - w4m

I'ma hot boy who hits up Sandbar with my cousins ev Saturday. I know you saw me. I'ma mad hot! Hit me up @973-323-[redacted]

pete


from: [redacted]@aol.com>
to: pers-332354413@craigslist.org
date: May 16, 2007 7:51 PM
subject: Hot boy at Sandbar last weekend - w4m

i smell a hater and ugly girl syndrome!

i bet gina gets all the boys and u hang out with her to try to ge them,right,right???

hater,jealous whore


From: [redacted]@progressive.com>
To: pers-332353412@craigslist.org
Date: Thu, 17 May 2007 12:48 PM
Subject: DAMN!

I knew you were checkin' me!
and no it was not because of
your skank friend it was because
my girl was in the joint and hatin' on
every cute girl that even breathed
on me. She was hatin' on you to!

T


From: [redacted]@ut.edu>
To: pers-332353412@craigslist.org
Date: Thu, 17 May 2007 10:10 AM
Subject: I SUCK COCK

Thats why I didn't come talk to you.

If he was at sandbar, he is a guido and
all guidos are fags, don't you know that sugarcakes?


From: [redacted]@yahoo.com>
To: pers-332353413@craigslist.org
Date: Thu, 17 May 2007 4:11 AM
Subject: hot boy @ sandbar

YOU FOUND ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
come to the shore with me this weekend in my new benz SLK roadie
headin out friday noon sharp. you in?



of all of these, the one below is the funniest to me. not because of the text of the message itself, but because after getting this message i went to the pics on njguido.com and lo and behold, there is a pic of a girl on there that kinda fits the description of my imaginary guidette.

"i am blond and was wearing a hot little black halter type top that exposed my spectacular rack and my torso so you could see my bellybutton piercing. i also had some tight daisy duke denim cutoff shorts and had some hot gold hoop earrings on."

below is the message and a copy of the pic that i found that i think he was referring to.

from: [redacted]@excite.com>
to: pers-332354413@craigslist.org
date: May 16, 2007 10:15 PM
subject: yo

There's a girl in the pictures on njguido from last Saturday at Sand who looks just like you say you look. Is that you and Gina




happy day!


for more of the same in this enthralling series of earthshattering douchebaggery, click on the links below

fun with craigslist "missed connections"

more fun with craigslist "missed connections"

even MORE fun with craigslist "missed connections"

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