even MORE fun with craigslist "missed connections"
well it's that time again. time to find a hideous personality stereotype to exploit on craigslist "missed connections". today we travel to the wilds of the famed lexington line, UES(that's upper east side for the unwashed in manhattan hood lingo) to downtown manhattan, the subway line that is rife each morning with bankers, lawyers, all sorts of wall street movers and shakers and the carrie bradshaw wannabes that love them.
here is my original bogus posting from yesterday afternoon, in which i pose as a cute girl looking for a cute boy in a "power suit" to complete her by buying her many extravagant dinners...
cute boy on green line train going downtown today - w4m - 24 (UES)
Reply to: pers-323103569@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-05-02, 4:36PM EDT
oh. my. god.
i have never thought this much about a stranger.
my guts are slicing.
my bones hurt.
is it possible to miss someone so much that you've never actually met, someone that you've only seen once the train wearing an impeccable power suit?
brooks brothers? hickey freeman? custom tailored?
even more sterling than your power suit was your watch (my mom always taught me to look at a man's watch and that you could make judgments about what type of person he was based on the type of watch he wears).
i couldn't keep my eyes off of you. try as i might to get closer to you i couldn't because some mexican cow and her onnoxious crumbs wouldn't move their greasy fat asses so i could get closer to you. so i just tried to lose myself in the john mayer playing on my ipod(i have a pink one;) and my sophie kinsella novel. try as i might to be cool and look cute, i couldn't help myself from imagining the two of us swinging on mondays at asia de cuba, tuesdays at tao, weds. at daniel, thursdays at brother jimmys(gotta slum it sometimes;) and fridays we'd swing out to the hamptons.
sigh. i'm sad and need a bottle of yellow tail in the worst way to make me forget.
if by some weird chance you saw me(shortie, intolerably cute, long dark hair, boobies from the gods, pink ipod mini, shopaholic novel in hand), please find me.
if not, whatevs. all that i am and all i will ever be will will be made by another man someday. i'm just really hoping that it's you who would be the one to complete me.
and then the responses began rolling in. now, i usually redact the email addresses so that they appear on the blog like this...[redacted]@douchebags_r_us.com, but the email address alone of this first one was too good to omit. so i'll do a reverse redact on his just because it's so fucking douchey.
from: mysteriousmalemodel@[redacted].com>
to: pers-323103569@craigslist.org
date: May 2, 2007 5:35 PM
subject: (no subject)
White gold watch with diamond cut?
Dark suit? White gold pinky ring?
Was he spanish?
Sent via BlackBerry from Cingular Wireless
yeah. feel free to do your own P.I. work to figure which popular email server mr. spanish, white-gold pinky ring uses.
with that, here, in all of their glorious splendor, are some of the other responses...
from: [redacted]@fastmail.fm>
to: pers-323103569@craigslist.org
date: May 2, 2007 5:22 PM
subject: u r SO UES
Brother Jimmy's on Thursdays!!!
You're crackin' me up, girl!
and "whatev's" too
you get props.
Next time, say something to the guy. Anything. The dumbest thing that
comes to mind. Ask him if this train goes to central park.
If you're as cute as you say, he'll take it from there.
-J
from: [redacted]@aol.com>
to: pers-323103569@craigslist.org
date: May 2, 2007 8:43 PM
subject: cute boy on green line train going downtown today - w4m - 24
this is really weird but i was on the 6 train today going down to spring street. don't remember seeing you but i was wearing a suit and nice watch. did i have short hair or long? what'd the suit look like?
from : [redacted]@yahoo.com>
to: pers-323103569@craigslist.org
date: May 2, 2007 10:19 PM
subject: not the one, but I have something you might like
my cum smells like money and tastes like foie gras. can I shoot it all over your "boobies from the Gods"?
from: [redacted]@gs.com>
to: pers-323103569@craigslist.org
date: May 2, 2007 6:13 PM
subject: Could I be?
I doubt that I could be so lucky. But a boy can dream right? You express yourself beautifully through your writing. Anyone ever tell you that? Were you listening to the new Mayer stuff or were you going old school?
from : [redacted]@aol.com>
to: pers-323103569@craigslist.org
date: May 2, 2007 11:38 PM
subject: cute boy on green line train going downtown today - w4m - 24
Sorry, I'm not your cute boy, but I just loved the "boobies from the gods" comment :)
Drinks? A bottle of Yellow Tail Chiraz?
from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-323103569@craigslist.org
date: May 2, 2007 11:49 PM
subject: CL advert.
By chance was it a pinstriped dark brown suit, white and pink shirt, brown patek philippe watch with a brown leather wristband?
from: [redacted]@gmail.com>
to: pers-323103569@craigslist.org
date: May 3, 2007 1:09 AM
subject: cute boy on green line train going downtown today - w4m - 24
What color was my watch, and on which arm?
from:[redacted]@hotmail.com>
to:pers-323103569@craigslist.org
date: May 3, 2007 9:08 AM
subject: Downtown Green Line
Hmmm...you know, I saw what you wrote up on craigslist about the downtown 4
and keep wondering if it was me~
Easy way to find out- do you know my nationality? Haha, because I wasn't a
whiteboy!
from:[redacted]@yahoo.com>
to: pers-323103569@craigslist.org
date: May 2, 2007 10:26 PM
subject: cute boy on green line train going downtown today - w4m - 24
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! tHANKS FOR MAKING MY DAY U DUMB LEECH!
sTOP WASTING YOUR TIME WITH WALL STREET ASSHOLES! iF YOU EVER WANNA FUCK A REAL MAN COME TO GREENPOINT!
below are links to the other enthralling installments in this douchetastic series...
fun with craigslist missed connections
more fun with craigslist missed connections
extreme craigslist missed connections, guido edition
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34 comments:
Oh Jesus! I don't know where to begin. I'm dying here. Brother Jimmy's, John Mayer, "whatevs"! Just fucking classic! Ladies, remember to go to Greenpoint, Brooklyn for a "REAL MAN".
I literally spit all over my computer screen from laughing.
thx for reviving this.
You should write greeting cards if you don't already. You write ridiculously sappy shit well.
@clay...you forgot the winkie emocons...;)
@anon...i was getting hatemail for not doing it last week. i had to in order to avoid mutiny.
@katie p...i don't. but i'll look into it.
a late arrival...
from: [redacted]@yahoo.com>
to: pers-323103569@craigslist.org
date: May 3, 2007 2:14 PM
subject: Re:cute boy on green line train going downtown today - w4m - 24
You're pathetic. Upper east side whore.
This is the best one yet. You totally nailed it.
"my mom always taught me to look at a man's watch and that you could make judgments about what type of person he was based on the type of watch he wears". Fucking priceless, mate.
The responses are so douchey that it's hard to believe that they're not fiction too, but I guess it just goes to show what complete and utter pricks i-bankers are.
@haha...everytime i found a new response in my email i thought "you have got to be kidding me".
about the watch thing...when i first moved here i was in some UES bar and i had a girl compliment me on my watch, a chinatown knock-off mind you, and said basically what i put up there.
about a week later i bought an eric cartman watch in protest and to assure myslef that others of her ilk would never approach me again.
Thursdays are the best! The Office and "fun with craigslist "missed connections""
The thought of Yellow Tail Shiraz nauseates me.
Best Fun with MC YET!!
So winceworthy, it was almost hard for me to read, especially the bit about the Mexican cow and her crumbs. But so worth it to read the responses. Incredible. I can't believe they didn't get that this was a fake. But it is craigslist.
My mom always told me to look at a guy's shoes (and no, not for his shoe size), not his watch. But I would never use include that bit of info in an online seduction.
Thank God I live in Greenpoint with all the REAL MEN! Yet all I can seem to find here is hipsters that have migrated from Billyburgh and Polish mafiosa types. HELLLLP!
~Irish
I have no words.
You've probably already checked out The Best of Craigslist...pants-pissingly hilarious.
Do people still wear watches? Gawd, I'd never notice that crap. But then I only date unemployed actors/musicians. Yay me.
Also: love - "this is really weird but i was on the 6 train today going down to spring street. don't remember seeing you but i was wearing a suit and nice watch. did i have short hair or long? what'd the suit look like?"
OMG That IS so weird!! I mean how many men in suits were on the 6 train today with watches on? Holy SHIT!
And I'm with Silverb - I check out shoes... not for money, just for style.
I love that she mentions dinner at Daniel and drinking Yellowtail in the same post.
She just wants money, but will never get that guy since she has no class.
OY.
These ads used to kinda, (ok I'm reaching here,) romantic. Now they are just creepy as all hell.
Funny all the same!
@midwesterner...glad my blog completes you on thursday.
@silverb...yeah...i needed to have her say something revolting to add depth to her character. these guys seem to be unfazed by it.
@anon...glad you liked. i actually don't mind yellow tail...i mean for the price...you get what you pay for.
@irish...you're in girl heaven baby. "greenpoint...where the men are men are men!"
@oob..."i love cajunboy" would suffice.
@jillian...where can i find that? is it a blog?
@monkeypants...you looked so cute today with that big instrument in your hands.
@roxy...um, roxy, i think that you may be confused. the original post was a fake created by me to sound like a hideous money-grubbing cunt.
@lisa b...i'll turn up the romantic meter on the next one just for you.
I wonder if you would have gotten responses if you posted a Missed Connection from a guy. Having posted a fake sex for money on CL (I needed some entertainment while studying), I'm surprised that guys will answer using work e-mail addresses. I would assume that these guys would know better since they work for investment firms but clearly sex is more important.
@sangralita...i did post as a guy in LA in the last one that i did. the responses were fewer.
you promised me new new orleans and fema.... i'd pout, but...my perky breasts with nipples that cut glass would take all the attention from my perfectly formed lips and snow white teeth.
how do people cruise the personal ads on their blackberry, yet i get fired for looking at www.wwtdd.com?
You people think you're so cool making funny of corporate people. Don't hate because girls like me would rather a breadwinner than some poor writer or artist. At least I'll be eating while you're all starving.
@quin...HEY HEY HEY...it will come!! hold your horses stinky britches.
@dmbmeg...i wondered the same thing! and you got canned for cruising tyler durden? weak.
@anon...good luck with your douchebag "breadwinner". be careful not to choke on the caviar that i'm sure you'll be eating while he's out fucking his secretary. the rest of us will eat cake.
i can't even get through these things they are so pathetic.
seriously, it's nothing but a bunch of girls from Murray Hill praying that they will have some stupid "new york romance" story to tell their grandchildren.
grow some balls, ladies. if you want him that badly, make the move.
haha that watch thing is dead on, brilliant. I think I've seen that in stylish ads for watches. I like it cause it's such a golddigger move, or it would be if the girl was actually able to discriminate between high end and chinatown knock off.
"Chiraz"... it's the new varietal of choice.
The Sophie Kinsella novel was a nice touch. God, I love these fake posts. They so make my day. Caj, I'm crushin' on you right now.
Oh, and everybody - a little advice. Never NEVER drink Yellowtail wine. It's the worst shite this side of the Pacific, and probably wall to wall chemicals. You're better off with Three Buck Chuck.
@sarah...total goldigger move. and yet some of these dudes still wanted to dig deeper.
@beautifullyalone...that's the word on the street. you must have your beautifully alone ear to the ground.
@sallyt...crush away baby. you know where i live!
shit, CB! i was laughing out loud so hard on the train reading this! i think this was the best yet! (partically because i thought this exact scenario was the one you should have done next! )
oh jesus- if i didn't know you had written it i would swear it was my cousin...
and this: "iF YOU EVER WANNA FUCK A REAL MAN COME TO GREENPOINT!"
is so disturbing...
Hahhahahhaa......you are too funny!!! Are you gay? You are WAY too funny to be straight!
hopelessly straight roy!
oh, that fact is so depressing to me..... blah
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