promises, promises, or, what to say when you have nothing to say

i always said that i'd never do this.

yet here i am, on the cusp of doing just what i said i'd never do. not that you, the reader, knew anything about it as it was an unspoken promise, but it was a promise nonetheless. more importantly, it was a promise to myself. breaking a promise to others is one thing, but breaking a promise to myself is unacceptable.

the promise of which i speak is the promise that i'd never write something to post on this blog whose subject was writing and/or blogging itself. more specifically, i promised myself that i would never allow myself to be so self-absorbed as to write about the dilemma that one faces when one wakes up one day and the well of creativity and original thought is completely dry. others have and i don't shame them for doing so, it's just never been my thing.

but here i am. on just such a day. breaking promises.

i could very easily blame it on the cold meds i took this morning or the persistent headache i can't seem to kick or the crazy broads in my life stressing me out or the weather, but i won't.

it's not that i don't have a gazillion things that i could talk about, because i do. i just lack the creativity to expound on any of them.

if i had any semblance of said creativity today i could talk about my self-imposed vow of celibacy that i've embarked on. i'm sure that you the reader would be riveted to your core by my doing so. i could write about how i'm just so over conventional dating and the casual, meaningless sex that accompanies it. i could tell you how i get so bored with sex with a person unless there's a spark, a chemical connection, something otherworldly at play. i could tell you how i would rather masturbate than fuck a girl that i care nothing about. i could tell you about how confounded i am by this fact and am so confused as to whether or not this is a good thing, about whether or not it's a sign that i've evolved as a man or am just getting old.

but i won't talk about that since i am lacking creativity right now.

if i had any semblance of said creativity today i could talk about how i'm dog-sitting for a friend of mine who had to fly to LA last night to audition for entourage later today. i could write about how his dog is a beast of a canine, an english bulldog, a smelly, slop-spewing, swashbuckling brut who has a penchant for excessive flatulence. i could tell you about how his farts are such an olfactory nightmare that one can clear any room at any given moment and are also capable of waking a doped-up on nyquil , sleeping giant like myself in the middle of a deep sleep because the stench of his ass-gas was so fowl and swallowed the room like a morning fog does the london bridge. i could also tell you about how my friend lives in one of those high-rise buildings on 42nd and 12th and how i have to walk a mile through the cold wind rushing off of the hudson river just to get a bag of baked lays and a fresca at the closest deli because my friend leaves without having jackshit to eat or drink in his apartment besides a solitary can of pork and beans and tap water!!!

but i won't talk about that since i am lacking creativity right now.

if i had any semblance of said creativity today i could talk about how my best friend is probably going to be nominated for a tony award in a few weeks and is a dark horse candidate to pull an upset and win the whole thing and how fucking proud i am of her because i know how fucking hard she worked to get to this point in her career.

but i won't talk about that since i am lacking creativity right now.

if i had any semblance of said creativity today i could talk about how i just posted another ridiculous craigslist "missed connections" ad and how i can't wait for the cheesy responses to start rolling in so that i can post them, along with my original posting, on my blog tomorrow. i could tell you how i almost feel a wee bit guilty about doing so, that perhaps i'm crushing someone's dream when i post one of these and how this time i made it soooo over the top cheesy that any responder fully deserves to be mocked and ridiculed mercilessly.

but i won't talk about that since i am lacking creativity right now.

besides, it's time for me to take the relentlessly farting brut for another walk. my apologies for having broken an unspoken promise to you, the reader. i promise to try harder next time. just promise me not to put too much faith in the promises that i make to you.