naming names and asking questions, live from the apple store in soho...

while waiting for my name to be called by a "genius", i decided to use one of their units to play around online while i wait. at the computer next to me is a man of middle-eastern persuasion who is logged into what looks to be a jihadist website.

i shit you not.

there is even a musical accompaniment to the site, replete with traditional muslim music. he has the speakers turned up for all within the vicinity to hear. lucky me.

would i be a dick if i were to call the FBI? seriously, i was just thinking about it...if i wanted to use the internet but feared that my home computer were being monitored by authorities, the apple store is a great internet "safe house".

oh well.

while i was waiting in line, some of the following nonsense fluttered across the landscape of my mind...



potential names for if i were to open a gay bar...

1. the meat and greet.

2. bottoms up.

3. the nut house.

4. the frothy top.

5. bad kitty(lesbian bar).


potential names for if i were to start a hipster punk-rock band...

1. the evangelical abortionists.

2. paraphernalia.

3. the androgynous brooders.

4. williamsburg.

5. the metroasexuals.


potential names for my forthcoming tell-all autobiography...

1. i hope that my mother doesn't read this.

2. just the tip.

3. bigger is better.

4. you come here often?

5. do you have a condom?


potential names for if i were to become a porn actor...

1. leonardo dicockrio.

2. huge jackman.

3. phillip seymore muffman.

4. marlon bangho.

5. vin diesel.


potential names for my cock if i so chose to be such a douche as to give it a name...

1. winchester.

2. bubba.

3. remington.

4. ignatius.

5. claudius.


if i could ask these people just one question, what would i ask them?

dick cheney...is the coffin that you sleep in lined with blood red velvet or dark-heart black silk?

maureen dowd...why is it that you must take so much ny times vacation time when you only have to produce two 750 word essays per week?

nora ephron...do you still feel bad about your neck?

jon stewart...are you hiring writers any time soon and if so, whose balls do i need to gargle in order to secure a spot at the table?

trey parker and matt stone...see the above question.

larry king...could you actually prepare for an interview, just once?

to the girl that i was making out with at a club two summers ago who mysteriously disappeared only for me to run into her in a deli with liev schriber at 4am...did he eat the egg salad sandwich before or after he banged you?

sally struthers...why do you keep insisting that a cup of coffee costs only pennies per day?

jennifer aniston...are they real?

hillary clinton...do you even believe some of the things that you say?

my uber-cunt from hell attorney former roommate...did you ever check yourself into rehab?

kate beckinsdale...may i?

keith richards...you did, didn't you?

jeremy piven...why did you get so mad when i told you that i loved you in high fidelity?

to the potential jihadist standing at the terminal next to me...can you just give me a date to circle on my calender so i can make plans to be in rural idaho?