the lovesong of johnny von prong

if you have an email address, and i'm gonna go ahead and assume that by virtue of your reading this that you have reached the technologically-evolved state required to have such, you have without question received a spam email from someone in some faraway country, usually in africa, usually in nigeria(why is it that nigeria is a breeding ground for such scams?), that reveals some tale of woe and desperation.

there are different variations of the same scam, but almost all of them involve a plea for the recipient of the email to wire money to a stranger in a strange land to help them escape the woe and desperation that they find themselves in. in return, the sender of such email promises that the recipient will be greatly rewarded for their humanitarian and philanthropic efforts, usually by receiving a significant return on their investment, sex, or both.

who falls for this shit?

seriously, does such monumental idiocy truly exist? one can only assume that it does lest the scammers would have given up a long time ago. furthermore, one can assume that this must be a particularly fruitful scam due to the prolificness of the spam that the scammers unleash upon the cyberworld. i personally have 3 email addresses. i will receive at least one per day between the three that deals in this realm.

without question, you've received one of these. have you ever thought to respond to one to see what would ensue? my friend jj did. and what ensued thereafter was hilarity.

jj is a lawyer. a frequently bored one apparently. and a pretty fucking funny one too.

so one day instead of filing a brief or chasing an ambulance or doing whatever the fuck lawyers do with their time, jj responded to one of these pleas for help. an email exchange took place. from the email exchange an instant message conversation was set up. below is the transcript of that conversation.

it's gold. god i wish that i could claim this as my own handywork. nice work jj.

[17:37] sanyawilliams4: Buzz!!
[17:37] sanyawilliams4: u there?
[17:37] jjkramer76: ah, there we go
[17:37] sanyawilliams4: yeap
[17:37] jjkramer76: thought it wasn't workin'--much better now
[17:38] jjkramer76: so, did you say you're in africa right now?
[17:38] Meebo Message: sanyawilliams4 is now online
[17:38] sanyawilliams4: yeap
[17:39] jjkramer76: wow--how long are you there for?
[17:39] sanyawilliams4: sad
[17:39] sanyawilliams4: 1month
[17:40] jjkramer76: so why are you sad?
[17:42] sanyawilliams4: i have been at the hotel here almost a month
now and they will not allow me to check out of the hotel without paying up
their bill.The painful part of it all now is that i have to leave this
country as soon as possible so that my return ticket will not be expired in less
than 48hrs time.
[17:44] jjkramer76: that's just really fucking terrible. I mean
it--I'm all torn up inside.
[17:44] sanyawilliams4: yeap
[17:44] sanyawilliams4: pls babe can u call me now so we can talk more
samoris hotel www.samorishotel.bravehost.com0112348020597441ask of
sanya williams room 07. the white lady from us
[17:45] sanyawilliams4: i really dont like share this kind of
experience with you but i think now that there is nothing i can hide from you.I
just owe them about $2850,and i have only scanty sum of $2400 with me
here.All i am begging you to do for me now is perhaps you have sum of $450 or $400
that you can help me with
[17:45] jjkramer76: only $450? And who says "scanty"? jesus, speak the
fucking language.
[17:45] jjkramer76: shit, i make that in my sleep. i mean it, I bleed
$100 bills. I'm fucking rich. seriously, i'll buy that whole fucking
country.
[17:46] jjkramer76: so, let me get this straight, if i send you the
$450, i'll help you get back to america? and then we can make passionate love
like crazed weasels?
[17:46] sanyawilliams4: so that i can get out of here before my ticket
gets expired in less than 48hrs time time.The expiring date of the ticket is
too close for me to miss the flight and that will be another cost for me
coz the hotel manager as seized my traveling documents now,thinking i wil run
away.
[17:46] sanyawilliams4: yeap
[17:48] jjkramer76: why don't u just go slap the hotel manager right in
his stupid hotel manager face?!? that's what i would do--because I can. i
have anger issues.
[17:49] jjkramer76: after i send you the money, and you come back home,
can we go on a wonderous date all over new york city, during which we will
explore all of new york, as well as all of your orafices?
[17:49] sanyawilliams4: yeap
[17:49] sanyawilliams4: sure
[17:50] sanyawilliams4: i will like u to take me round the town and
show me the splendor of america.
[17:50] jjkramer76: well, i guess i should tell you now, i have a mild
case of ibs
[17:50] jjkramer76: irritable bowel syndrome
[17:51] jjkramer76: so, we shouldn't eat any ethnic food, or else i
might be on the can all night. i mean it, i will totally shit my pants.
wouldn't be the first time, either. Two words for you, my little princess:
explosive diarrhea.
[17:51] jjkramer76: but maybe that's your thing
[17:52] sanyawilliams4: nope
[17:52] sanyawilliams4: cool--I will bring you much joy and happiness.
we will to work past for any problem.
[17:52] sanyawilliams4: with that
[17:52] jjkramer76: that's ok with you?
[17:52] sanyawilliams4: so can u cal me
[17:52] sanyawilliams4: yeap
[17:52] jjkramer76: i just believe in being up front
[17:52] jjkramer76: before we go any further
[17:52] jjkramer76: and i also have a mild birth defect--i was born
with three nipples
[17:52] sanyawilliams4: or can u help me out so i can be happy and
dream of home coz i have been crying all day long
[17:53] sanyawilliams4: lol
[17:53] jjkramer76: but i usually cover the third one up with duct tape
and makeup
[17:53] sanyawilliams4: lol
[17:53] sanyawilliams4: time will tell
[17:53] sanyawilliams4: i dont believe that
[17:53] sanyawilliams4: can i see the pics?
[17:53] jjkramer76: if you're a good girl, maybe
[17:54] jjkramer76: i tried to call--won't go through
[17:54] sanyawilliams4: ok
[17:54] jjkramer76: will try again
[17:55] sanyawilliams4: ok
[17:56] jjkramer76: oh, and i forgot to mention that i have a
semi-serious case of tourette's syndrome, and my job requires me to wear a helmet 24
hours a day (for insurance purposes)
[17:56] sanyawilliams4: lol
[17:57] jjkramer76: and sometimes it causes me to lose control of my
bodily functions, which is why i have to wear adult diapers most of the
time--which is actually kind of fun
[17:57] sanyawilliams4: lol
[17:57] jjkramer76: but other than that, i'm a pretty average guy
[17:58] jjkramer76: oh, except for the fact that my parents are first
cousins
[17:58] sanyawilliams4: lol
[17:59] jjkramer76: and, as a child, i was locked in the basement and
forced to watch re-runs of "what's happening now" while our seedy neighbor mr.
callahan masturbated to gay puerto rican soft porn
[17:59] sanyawilliams4: lol
[18:02] jjkramer76: pretty standard stuff
[18:02] sanyawilliams4: lol
[18:02] sanyawilliams4: can u call me
[18:02] jjkramer76: collect?
[18:02] jjkramer76: what's the number again?
[18:04] sanyawilliams4: samoris hotel
www.samorishotel.bravehost.com0112348020597441ask of sanya williams
room 07. the white lady from us
[18:08] jjkramer76: ok, i've got a better idea
[18:08] sanyawilliams4: ok
[18:09] jjkramer76: how about i just jump on my plane, come to africa,
and rescue you. i own many planes because i'm filthy rich. i do whatever i
want.
[18:09] sanyawilliams4: yeap babe
[18:09] sanyawilliams4: good idea
[18:09] sanyawilliams4: thanks babe. you would to do that for me?
[18:10] jjkramer76: yes, and, as payment for my bravery, we will make
sweet, sweet, love in a giant bowl of chocolate pudding, while midgets circle
the bowl juggling fire before fighting each other to the death
[18:11] sanyawilliams4: so babe aree u tocalling me
[18:11] jjkramer76: trying to
[18:11] sanyawilliams4: ok babe
[18:11] jjkramer76: i prefer to be called johnny von prong
[18:12] jjkramer76: can u call me that baby?
[18:12] sanyawilliams4: lol
[18:12] sanyawilliams4: ok johnny
[18:12] sanyawilliams4: ook johnny
[18:12] jjkramer76: no, the whole thing
[18:12] jjkramer76: johnny von prong
[18:13] sanyawilliams4: johnny von prong
[18:13] jjkramer76: oooh, that's hot
[18:13] jjkramer76: now tell me that you love to swivel your clown arms
[18:14] sanyawilliams4: lol
[18:14] jjkramer76: well, do you?
[18:14] jjkramer76: you love to swivel, i'm sure
[18:15] sanyawilliams4: yeap
[18:15] jjkramer76: tell me you love to swivel
[18:16] sanyawilliams4: ok i love it
[18:19] sanyawilliams4: so are u still calling me johnny
[18:19] jjkramer76: so, do you think we'll be able to have a meaningful
and loving relationship someday?
[18:20] sanyawilliams4: yeap
[18:20] sanyawilliams4: thats if we keep praying to thye almighty God
[18:20] sanyawilliams4: and not cheat on each otherr
[18:20] jjkramer76: i'd never cheat on you...as far as you know
[18:20] sanyawilliams4: ok
[18:20] jjkramer76: and i'd only do it with your friends
[18:20] sanyawilliams4: hmm
[18:21] jjkramer76: ok, friends and relatives
[18:21] jjkramer76: but that's it
[18:21] sanyawilliams4: lol
[18:22] jjkramer76: ok, serious question
[18:22] jjkramer76: how much do you think i can bench press?
[18:22] jjkramer76: 450 lbs, dead lift
[18:23] sanyawilliams4: lol
[18:23] jjkramer76: yep, totally jacked up on all sorts of 'roids. they
make me rage. seriously, i'll fight anyone. i'll bite their fucking nose
off. in fact, sometimes I have my friends stab me in the ass with a horse
tranquilizer--just for shits and giggles.
[18:23] sanyawilliams4: babe u are so funny
[18:23] sanyawilliams4: i think u will make me happy
[18:23] sanyawilliams4: $10000000000000000
[18:23] sanyawilliams4: lol
[18:23] jjkramer76: of course i'll make you happy, i have a tongue like
gene simmons
[18:23] sanyawilliams4: so will u help me out now johnny?
[18:27] jjkramer76: an i guess i should've told you before, but my
pictures aren't exactly representative of me--they were taken before the
"accident"
[18:28] jjkramer76: as a practical joke, my friend thought it would be
funny to douse me with a bucket full of battery acid, bleach, and urine
[18:30] jjkramer76: now, i'd say i look like a cross between rocky
dennis, carrot top and sloth from goonies--but don't worry, girl, i will still
sex you wild.
[18:30] sanyawilliams4: i know u will make me happy--you are my
american prince. So, will you call me?
[18:31] jjkramer76: um, no. i would say you're pretty much fucked. Hugs
and kisses

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