An Open Letter to the Assholes Holding Up the Line at Starbucks
Dear Assholes Holding up the Line at Starbucks,
Ok folks, first off, a disclaimer...I'm not a dick. Now if you're anything like me, and I suspect that you are deep down where the body meets the soul, you're immediately leery of the person who starts off any dialogue with a disclaimer, but I'm seriously not a dick. I smile at strangers. I hold open the door for people. I have been known to help the occasional old lady cross the street or hail a cab. I actually hold a deeply-rooted affection for the elderly. And puppies. I love puppies. I want you to know all of this because what I'm about to say may sound slightly dickish.
With that said...WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! Have you never been to a Starbucks before? Holy Mary mother of God the menu is the same wherever you go! They all carry the same items at the same price. It's like McDonald's . No wait, it's actually better than McDonald's because there is uniformity in the pricing at Starbucks. It doesn't matter where you go for your venti, soy-vanilla, 1/2 decaf, no foam latte...the price is the always same. You don't get that with McDonald's. That McFish sandwich, Filet-O-Fish, whatever the hell it is that they call that thing that you only dare to eat on Fridays during Lent, well guess what? That little culinary treat may run you $1.99 at a McDonald's on 125th St. but if you venture down to McDonald's on 57th St., it's $2.99. Some McDonald's stores may not even carry the McFilet-O-Fish thing altogether! They fuck you like that! You just never know.
Not so at Starbucks. My thrice daily regime of tall coffees costs the same whether I purchase it at a Starbucks in Times Square or in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. $1.84 with tax. Every time. It's a beautiful thing. Hell they even give you a discount if you're getting a refill, which is a well-kept Starbucks secret so keep that on the down-low. There is this silly rule about having to be seated in the store for an hour or something, but the employees at my local Starbucks are always more than happy to give me the discount whether or not I was in the store for an hour. You know why? Because I'm not a dick that's why! I can also say with absolute certainty that you can get the same venti, soy-vanilla, 1/2 decaf, no foam latte in either location. It's a simple yet brilliant concept. God bless Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz for that!
So I ask again...WHAT THE FUCK?!?! I really don't get it.
I understand that some of you may be from rural areas, areas that are territories yet to be colonized by the Starbucks corporation, areas where in the course of a person's daily life they may never run across a Starbucks. I also happen to live presently in a part of Manhattan that is tourist heavy. One of the unfortunate circumstances of such is having to suffer in line while you folks gaze in bewilderment at the menu on the wall as if it were written in hieroglyphics. Inevitably your efforts to interpret the menu fail miserably, or perhaps you just give up altogether, thereby you must berate the poor Starbucks employees with a game of 20 questions.
This sort of unnecessary twaddle holds up the damn line! I just wanna get my damn cup of coffee and get out so that I can get back home to work on my Penthouse Letters submissions. Is there not some sort of Starbucks sample menu in your little tourist guide that you could have studied and deciphered beforehand in order to streamline this process. Is that too much to ask?
And what's up with you douchebags in suits yapping into your blackberries about mergers and acquisitions when you should instead be focusing on your menu choices, which of course causes a holdup when finally it's your turn to order and you haven't had the chance to fully contemplate the life-altering decision of whether to get your latte iced or hot, skim or regular. More unnecessary twaddle holding up the damn line!
Speaking of the line at Starbucks, and this is for you foreigners out there specifically, I care not from whence you came, surely you are familiar with the concept of a line. Unless of course you are the son or daughter of a sultan, mullah, warlord...WHATEVER, and the norms of polite society don't apply to you in your homeland and you're able to run roughshod over the peasantry in pursuit of caffeinated goodness, you are still likely to be at least vaguely familiar with the line mechanism. Well guess what? You're in America now. Get the fuck in line with the rest of us. Asshole.
Now, to reinforce that I'm not a dick, please allow me to make a few menu suggestions. As for the breakfast sandwiches, the sausage egg and cheese is head and shoulders above the others, surprisingly tasty, all for just $2.99. The fruit and cheese plate is exceptional and always fresh. The lunch sandwiches are pretty good too, although the swiss cheese on the turkey and swiss has a rubbery thing going on. I always take it off. As far as desserts and snacks go, the new chai bar is off the hook! So are the oatmeal raisin cookies...they're even better if you have them heat it up for a few seconds...it's as if it were fresh out of grandma's oven.
There, see, I'm a nice guy. Enjoy your venti, soy-vanilla, 1/2 decaf, no foam latte. And have a nice day.
Yours in Christ,
The Cajun Boy
64 comments:
I can so feel you on this!
I am laughing sooo hard, I am so with you on this! Thank you THANK you for the giggle today! This coming from the home of Starbucks, Seattle, where this shit happens too much!
glad that i could be of service to the people of the mothership, where it all began.
The banker douchebag farting around on his crackberry is always the one holding up the line where I work. I wanna punch that guy. Thanks for making me laugh my ass off!
Great comments you dick!
LMFAO!
Regards from Seattle!
you're right...i should just come to terms with my dickness.
This is hilarious!!! Thank you for the laugh today...
:)
thanks for tuning in andrea!
Hahaha LOL :-)
Respect the caffeine fix :-)
I agree with you...but you should know that there is a great difference in Starbucks prices outside Manhattan, and especially in other parts of the country. Sometimes by as much as 75 cents/ a dollar
REALLY! i've never personally experienced a price fluxuation at starbucks!
i have never in my life posted a comment on any blog, ever, but i read this, and then your myspace rant, and i am intrigued. i am also not particularly technologically savvy, and so i wonder: how can one find your page?
Cajun boy let this not be a letter but a movement! I will join you henceforth.
You know what also bugs me about those effin' undeciders: the fact they are completely oblivious about what they do. Total and complete ignorant jerks. And yeah, there they go with the effin' 20 questions while I stew in the single line. But get this (and tell me this doesn't happen with you) after the whole 20 questions they finally freakin' order and don't even leave a tip! Some poor, put upon barista had to endure this toture and for that they get NOTHING! That always blows my mind. Sometimes I don't even hear a "thank you." Not once does it dawn inside their dark reptilian brains that a tip would be a nice thing to do never mind a verbal thank you.
Yeah, I'm angry!
i too have witnessed the plight of the question-barraged, untipped barista. for the record, the cajun boy always throws his change into the tip jar and i encourage others to do likewise.
Venti Iced Coffee con Soy Milk y Equal.
Memphis airport: $3.10
Columbus, OH: $2.95
Park City, UT: $2.88
I kept records of this priceless information bc it perplexed me since I order the same thing everywhere. i might make a map. Sorry to F up your rant basis.
Interesting....still as a twice a day Starbucks patron I feel it my duty to mention that Starbucks is cheaper in Texas and San Juan and in Toronto even when you take into account the exchange rate. Also the one at the ground level of the Marriot Marquis is a dollar more than every other Starbucks in Manhattan. Florida is the worst when it comes to lines and employees.
I have way too much time on my hands.
oh you know what that is...sales tax variations...i don't think that the onus is on starbucks for that one.
i gotta stick up for the man every now and then.
fyi prices at the starbucks locations in times square vary - the one in the marriot is priced more than the one half a block away on 45th btwn 6th and 7th
WELL DAMNIT!!!!! you people have gone and fucked me all up now haven't you. okay, i get it...the prices my vary by a few cents from location to location. so i was off a little bit on that one.
SHIT!
but thanks for commenting. seriously.
...the price fluctuations come from inaccurate register work, especially when a drink has multiple ingredients. i've had coffee in seattle/tacoma/olympia, houston, dallas, new york, shreveport, new orleans, cheyenne, boise, d.c., atlanta, and so on. i order the same thing every time, no matter where i go, just to see if the quality of the drink is consistent. (yeah, i'm weird, but at least i don't hold the line up.) i've noticed that sometimes the various ingredients aren't charged correctly, even though I KNOW my drink costs $3.85.
I think Cajun Boy is right...and damn funny, too.
VALIDATION!!! oh how thy nectar tastes so sweet on mine lips.
thank you mimi!
take that bitches!
it kills me how the tourists think that starbucks is some damn "big city" attraction! they stand in the door way, so you can't enter or exit with your overpriced coffee and giggle and point at the fact that they found this "cool" coffee shop! woo hoo!
worry not! starbucks will take over main street usa soon enough!
i was once told by a starbucks employee that the price differences (which do exist, i assure you) are due to differences in rent/location? i mean i don't know if that's true but thats what i was told.
@Molly - I suspect the attraction to tourists is to see people tearing out their hair in line like it's a methadone clinic, eager to over-pay for burnt-tasting coffee.
Dude, how much do you spend each week at Starbucks?!!
You know what else I hate, when you order your coffee and are waiting for it, and someone behind you in line ordered the same coffee, yet when yours comes up they claim it's theirs and try to steal it - and will argue with you about it! In which case I usually say something like "If it's that important to you to take my coffee, you go ahead and I'll wait for the next one."
At some Starbucks they avoid this issue by asking for your name rather than just yelling out the type of coffee.
Everyone who buys anything at Starbucks is a jerk. Maybe you are close to seeing that but aren't quite there yet!
The line would move a bit faster if they just called the sizes: small, medium and large.......
how is one a jerk just by virtue of buying something at starbucks john? are gonna launch into an anti-corporation rant? please elaborate. i would really like to hear because to me starbucks seems to be that rare multi-national conglomerate that actually does right by it's employees and the world around us. do tell...
First time reader, first time commenter.
All I have to add is: Word.
great post, but a couple things:
(1) pre-tax price variations DO exist, every drink is at least $0.75 cheaper in cali
(2) if you want to see efficiency in action, go to the starbucks at 24th and 6th. seriously, the counter people are like robots there, its amazing, and fun to watch. i think its faster than most, because its full of bitter locals and very few bankers :)
two things...
@natural blog...thanks for the kind "word".
@bryce...ironically my travels later in the afternoon include me possibly making a run to home depot on 23rd st. for some paint and paint accessories. i will make a point to pop in and witness this robot-like efficiency first hand.
Despite the cost thing, I think the main point of this (which I am in complete and total agreement with) is that ordering a drink is not hard. I'd hoped this problem was unique to Florida, but alas.
Also, regarding drink sizes, a conversion factor:
Tall = Small
Grande = Medium
Venti = Large
I don't know why this so confuses my friends...
i once knew a voodoo priestess back home named stellina.
Hehe, nice. Alas, not my real name -- Internet Perk #397, being able to rename oneself at will.
Bellwether. One H.
yup. burnt coffee indeed. i would seek out a mud truck or go to gorilla coffee (if starbucks just wasn't in front of me all the time).
@stellina...excellent choice
@anonymous...good looking out...wanna be my editor?
@molly...the MUD truck is the shit. i used to live down there and would hit it every morning on my way to the 6 train.
This isn't funny.
None of this is funny.
i'm an acquired taste.
I'll have a venti triple skinny psycho mocha java with four shots, extra hot, extra water, no foam, hold the twist, no wait, put in some vanilla but not too much, and make it double instead of triple; no foam latte frappuchinno deluxe with room on the bottom in a grande cup.
i think that i heard that exact order from the asshat in front of me in line about an hour ago.
I live in a large city, large enough to have about 40 Starbucks scattered around the biz and finance districts, and I've been in them maybe a dozen times in my life. I don't know what they have. I don't really care. I get a coffee or chocolate (oh, those chanticos were to die for) and I'm done. Somehow I have managed to survive without Starbucks this long.
Would you posers just realize it's coffee and get over yourselves, ya pathetic dweeb wet-ends? It isn't even particularly good coffee, and you losers wouldn't know that if you got hit over the head with Juan Valdez's burro.
I swear, Starbucks could roast dried monkey snot and you wastes would rave about it while requesting it with light-foamed smegma and a sprinkle of Ajax.
I AM in main street USA (Apple Valley, MN) and we have 3 Starbucks in our bedroom community...and the SAHMs are NOT any better than the bankers...talking on their cell phones about the latest sale at Gymboree or where the next mom's group is meeting... Oh, you mean it's my turn. Hhmmm, well..., maybe I'll try... Oh, just give me my usual - Venti, nonfat, no foam latte with a shot of sugar-free vanilla - oh and not-so-hot!! Occasionally they tip, but they always say "Thank You" with a smile - This is Minnesota after all...
I heart you.
@anonymous #1...i'm a "poser" who would buy "dried monkey snot" if they served it? you think i go to starbucks to be cool? maybe that's what people do in your "large city" but i live in manhattan dude, where it's actually UNCOOL to patronize starbucks. i go there because it's convenient to me(across the street), the employees are always really nice and not condescendingly standoffish, and i actually do like the coffee there. it's, in my opinion, good coffee that has been carefully chosen and prepared. is there better coffee out there? unquestionably. but not within walking distance on my apt.
@anonymous #2...pardon my ignorance, but what's a "SAHM"? apple valley...wow! mainstreet usa is right.
@monica...i heart you for hearting me.
(#2 that is)
SAHM = stay at home mom
And for all you "haters", we have had 2 mom & pop coffee shops close down in our community. Why? Because Americans want consistency. They want to know what they are getting for there $4.00... And that's what you get with Starbucks. The independents can't offer that.
i knew that it had something to do with soccer moms, moms...somethiing in the whole "mom" realm.
thanks for the clarification...
So you are saying the sheeple will swill smegma-foamed monkey snot so long as it is the same smega-foamed monkey snot day after day.
Sad.
We have allowed ourselves to accept "their" definition of taste and flavor and we keep patronizing those who tickle our brains with slick ads.
Pancake syrup is so foreign to actual maple syrup as to be unrecognizable.
A McDonald's shake is as related to ice cream and milk blended up as the Hope Diamond is to a solidified glob of library paste.
Pizza hut and Domino's taste like pizza as much as M&Ms taste like real chocolate.
I suspect the closest Kraft American Cheese pasteurized food product (look at the label!) comes to milk is when they display it in the same aisle of the grocery store.
Yet we buy these and more items every day, in droves.
Starbucks is horrid stuff. Olive Garden serves gastroenteritis on a large plate. TGIFriday's must import salt in huge trucks and no other spices. I have no idea what they put in the taco shells and burritos at Taco Bell but it isn't beef, so far as I can tell; it might be meat, but it doesn't taste like beef.
Stop going to places because they are easy. We managed to survive just fine before a mediocre coffee shop was open on every block, and we can do it again. You want good coffee? Make some! It isn't hard, and it sure isn't expensive! Demand better! Spend less! Everybody wins!
Oh, puh-leez-- you live in manhattan where it's actually UNCOOL to patronize starbucks?
WHY ARE THERE 200 OF THEM WITHIN A ONE HOUR WALK OF TIMES SQUARE?
Seriously, 196 of them. So much for you Manhattanites being "cool." You guys are so unhip it's amazing your asses don't fall off.
[Sorry, but his 55th birthday would have been next Sunday.]
There is no better feeling in the world then going to Starbucks, buying a bag of coffee ground fine for my espresso machine. Then I get into my car and stick my willing cock right into the warm coffee grounds. Then I go home and give my wife her caffine fix. Slut.
Why don't you just buy a COFFEE MACHINE and save yourself some money and aggravation. Anyway, all self-respecting Louisiana natives I know would switch to beer around noon.
@blane...just end it dude. if you're having to stick your cock into coffee grinds to get a jolly, it's done.
@anonymous...i live in manhattan. i don't have the fucking counter space for a coffee machine. sad but true. thus, i get my coffee on the outside.
I totally agree with your disclaimer and observations except when it comes to price. I live in Brooklyn and when I buy my venti drip at any location in Brooklyn or Manhattan, it's 2.22 with tax.
However, I work in Westchester county and over there it's 1.99 with tax.
This is so long ago now that I don't suppose anyone will look at this comment... but I just came across this post, and realized it's the same incident that a friend of mine, also in that line, witnessed and described in hilarious detail in an e-mail thaty day. Although, who the "asshole" is looks rather different in that story!
@anon...wow. what a coincedence. do tell more. feel free to email me.
Living in Cheyenne: Population around 53,000 with 3 Starbucks locations I can tell you that even we have the line-holder-uppers. Thank God they put a new coffee place in the lower level of my office building. Their stuff is delicious, priced lower than Starbucks and oh so convenenient! Amazingly, the line-holder-uppers do NOT just patronize Starbucks however. They've found their way into our office building as well!
Order a triple espresso and get the Hell outta the way!!!!!
Y'know, I used to live in Seattle, home of Starbucks...now I live in Shreveport, Louisiana. If I went into the Starbuck's cafe around here and actually heard someone order a "venti latte", as opposed to a "what's that really big coffee with all that milk in it?" I think I'd faint. 13 years ago when I left Seattle, there was an espresso cart on every corner, it seemed...I had to wait 6 years for any kind of Starbucks-type cafe to make it to Shreveport. Until then, if you said "espresso" around here, people thought you were some kind of foreigner looking for Federal Express...
Well I know that this post is a thousand years old but I just found your blog and I must say I found this post extremely entertaining and oh so true! I think what adds to the complexity of the problem in LA (where I'm from) is that even though Starbucks may still be in 1st place, there are sooo many other chains. The last apartment I lived in had a Starbucks on one corner, Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf on another, Peet's Coffee on yet another, and it was rounded out with a hip, cozy, cafe down the block. I could literally walk to all of them in two minutes. Imagine the confusion that caused. Not only do you have to remember your favorite drink, you have to remember your favorite drink at that particular shop. I guess if you just stuck to regular old drip coffee you wouldn't have a problem, but what fun is that??!!
I was directed to your blog by a friend who sent me a link to the entry detailing your most recent Craigslist exploits. From there, I began reading other entries, all of which I found entertaining. Then I read this line - "...you're able to run roughshod over the peasantry in pursuit of caffeinated goodness..." - and the transformation from casual reader to total fangirl was complete.
Good stuff, Cajun Boy.
The reason for the wait on your cup of joe is due to the fact that I'm taking a dump in it. Don't complain and I won't take dumps in your joe.
The reason for the hold up is that I'm taking a dump in your cup of joe. Uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!
Again...I know this is an old post, but I just found it and had to bust your balls a little.
How can any self-respecting Louisiana boy drink anything but Community Coffee?
Starbucks is over-commercialized, burnt-tasting crap.
Drink Community. You'll thank me.
(The medium roast is to die for.)
/New Orleans dweller
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