the guido, anthropological enigma of the modern era, explained

in a recent entry, i relayed a story of two guidos getting into a fight in a manhattan club over a myspace friend request that went denied. a friend from back home in louisiana wrote an email to me in response to the blog entry. the email was one sentence in the form of a question.

"what exactly is a guido?"

as i began to compose an email in response i came to the realization that there was no simple way to explain the anthropological enigma that is the guido. this was deeper and more complex than a quick response could possibly give justice too.

"how the hell do i explain the guido?"

the more deeply that i began to ponder the guido the more difficult it became for me to wrap my brain around it/him, the more convinced i became that doing so would only astound and confuse me, eventually destroying my feeble mind. pondering the guido, i quickly learned, is the cerebral equivalent of what happens to your eyes when staring directly into the sun.

but i wanted to attempt to do this. i felt it my duty. those whose universe is uninhabited by the guido are blissfully ignorant of the epic levels of mind-numbing douchebaggery that the guido and it's equally ridiculous consort, the guidette, perpetrate upon mankind on a regular basis.

to fully explain the guido is an exhaustive effort, one best broken up into parts. to start, let me offer in part one a cliff notes style rundown of a few characteristics that are the hallmarks of the modern guido.

-the guido is more often than not of italian-american descent. however, not being italian-american does not prohibit one from being a guido. though a rarer form of the guido species, non italian-american ethnic groups such as greeks, arabs, and even asians have developed guido subcultures. it has been noted that being a guido is an attitude, a state of mind. i suppose one could call it "guidotude".

-the guido often hails from the regions surrounding the island of manhattan such as the boroughs of staten island, queens, and brooklyn. northern new jersey and long island are also heavily colonized by the guido. all told, in order to access "the city", as the island of manhattan is often referred to in guidoese, the guido enters by traveling over a bridge or through a tunnel, thus the guido is often referred to condescendingly by manhattanites as "bridge and tunnelers", "B&T" in abbreviated terms.

-the guido spends an inordinate amount of time in strip mall tanning salons, baking himself under synthetic ultraviolet rays in the hopes of attaining and sustaining an iridescent orange hue, much like that of a carrot or a yam. the guido aims to saturate his pigment deep into the epidermis, for this will aid in maintaining an optimum glaze during all seasons of the year.

-much of the leisure time of the guido is spent in the pursuit of what he deems to be physical perfection, a freakishly large and grotesquely vascular muscularity. the guido spends countess hours in the gym and supplements the efficiency of his workouts by injecting himself with equine-like doses of anabolic steroids and human growth hormones. much of the guido's disposable income is spent at GNC on a variety of products including whey protein, creatine and horny goat weed.

-in terms of wardrobe, the guido is a renowned label whore. the signature of the guido wardrobe is an overpriced, tight-fitting, designer shirt, one whose manufacturer's label is clearly visible, which is key, for it exhibits a certain financial status which, falsely perceived or accurate, can influence a guido's standing in the social hierarchy of guidodom negatively or positively.

-the guido is obsessed with image in general, more specifically, the guido hopes to exude an image of ridiculous wealth. the guido will often drive himself deep into debt by spending way beyond his means on expensive cars, clothes and bottle service at guido clubs, the latter being perhaps the ultimate status high-water mark in the guido universe. the guido has been known to exhaust the entirety of his friday paycheck on one night out, purchasing multiple $350 bottles of vodka that he could have purchased at his corner liquor store for 1/10th the price, all in an effort to impress his fellow guidos and the guidettes who love them.

-the guido pays much attention to detail in terms of personal grooming. deviating from prior generations of guido who exhibited obscene amounts of body hair, the modern guido favors frequent head to toe body waxings and is usually completely hairless in an effort to optimize the effect of countless hours spent in the gym and the tanning salon. removal of body hair helps to accentuate the rippling muscles housed beneath the orange-glazed skin of the guido, an effect that is especially pronounced under the flashing lights of a discoball. the guido also waxes his eyebrows, often into the form of a razor-thin crescent moon over his brackish, soulless eyes.

-the guido harbors an excessive supply of skin products. the guido will often possess multiple formulations of skin moisturizers, which is essential due to the exceeding dryness of the guido skin, a direct result of the guido's foolhardy tanning regimen. some guidos have been known to incorporate an extensive collection of make-up products as part of their ongoing quest for what they deem to be attractiveness and perfection.

-perhaps no one thing is obsessed and anguished about more than the hair on the guido head, generally the only part of the guido body that is adorned with hair. the guido's hair is almost always spiked, a process that has been known to take hours to perfect and for which massive amounts of expensive hair gel are used in order to achieve the desired perfection of spike angle and rigidity. because of this, the guido has been known to become violent if his perfectly coifed dome is merely breathed upon by an unknowing offender.

-the guido is known to exude hyper-machismo, a trait for which the guido is universally despised by the non-guido. the guido will often engage in physical confrontation at the drop of a hat, willing to fight over such inconsequential acts such as a misplaced glance, a perceived slight, an unintentional bump, even a slight graze. this behavior is particularly beguiling due to the fact that male natives of italy are notoriously docile and non-violent, leaving one to wonder in amazement as to how the italian-american male has evolved into such a violent creature in such a short span of time. within the same machismo realm, the guido will often stalk and harass attractive females, even more so if the attractive female appears to be in the company of a date/boyfriend/husband. it has been theorized in some circles that the guido's hyper-machismo is a derivative of an overwhelming and unrelenting neurosis derived from the fear of being perceived as a homosexual due to the homoesque tendencies that the guido exudes in his lifestyle habits.

-the guido's natural habitat is a dance club that pumps house music at ear-splitting decibels and features an array of flashing lights. the guido will often wait in a line for an extended period of time, even in inclement weather, in order to gain access to what he perceives to be a "phat spot." once inside the guido heads to the bar where he will order up a "sex on the beach" or a "long island iced tea" which he will use to wash down the tablet of ecstasy that he smuggled into the club. once settled in the guido men will congregate in roving packs, a primitive ritual not unlike that of various species of primate. the roving pack of guidos will typically encircle a desirous guidette or guidettes whose affection they clamor for, often removing their shirts to exhibit the rippling muscles and excessively tanned skin that the guidette finds irresistible. guidos have also been known to smuggle bottles of baby oil into clubs and will apply it liberally to each other in the hopes of enhancing their muscularity.

this concludes the examination and explanation of the guido. in the future, i will delve further into the guidette and i will detail my own sordid personal history with both guido and guidette. stay tuned.

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